Fathers and the Like

It's Father's Day on Sunday. The parental holidays don't carry much water with me. I appreciate my parents. Point of fact; they're great and I love them to death. I just don't cotton to a big celebration, but that's just me.Or maybe I just hate buying cards/gifts.

My father just had knee surgery. I told my mother to tell him that we were going to race next time I'm in town. I also told her to tell him that we were going to have a lightsaber duel and that I was going to chop off his new robotic hand. He said he's Darth Vader and he would chop off MY robotic hand. I had to inform him that my grandfather is Darth Vader, he's Luke and I'm Han Solo. Because Han is the cool one.

All of this is to say, be sure to call/write/telegram your fathers on Sunday to let them know how you feel. Whether it's to tell them how much you love and appreciate them, or it's to tell them you hate their guts for fucking up your soapbox derby race when you were 7.

That being said, here are a few Craigslist missed connections from good ol' Los Angeles.

adorable man at Cyndi Lauper concert - m4m - 43 (Greek theater)

I was the adorable, athletic, single, ddf, well hung gay Jewish man at the Cyndi Lauper concert last night, there with a gal pal. Great teeth. Pretty green eyes. No one hit on me. It's not too late.

Whoa! This caught me off guard. This is a reversed missed connection that isn't a missed connection at all. No one hit on the dude. He seems to be insulted. I mean, by his own admission, he's single, ADORABLE, well hung AND Jewish. He also really likes his eyes and thinks his teeth are great. Why did no one hit on this conceded asshole?!? WHY?!?!?!?! HE'S SO ADORABLE AND CONCEDED AND SHIT. HIT ON HIM. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

Hotness at whole foods on coldwater - m4w - 28 (Sherman oaks)

You were wearing a loose fitting dress that barely covered your gorgeous body and succulent tits while you pretended to read ingredients on rice or cous cous or whatever. I was doing the same thing trying to find a particular product. You had dark long hair and looked gorgeous. Would love to hang out with you some time.

This guy could make a nymphomaniac blush. Such poetry he writes! "You pretended to read..." It's like he's implying that she wasn't actually reading. And to me, that comes across like he's saying she CAN'T read. But with succulent tits like that, who has time for reading. Then he says he was doing the same thing. So I imagine him in a loose fitting dress pretending to read ingredients on rice or cous cous or WHATEVER. Aren't the ingredients in rice...uh....rice? Same with cous cous? Anyway, we're not here to talk about food. We're here to discuss this suave cock-master and how suave he is in his cock-mastery. "Would love to hang out with you some time." What the fuck is that? Don't hold back, bro! Tell her in your best harlequin novel speak how you'll rail her in the pasta aisle while she acts like she's checking the ripeness of a cantalope. 

Guy in the car - w4m - 18 (Pacific Coast Highway)

I was standing at the light as you came to stop. You looked over at me then held up your phone with a picture on it as you smiled. I didn't see what the picture was and I don't recognize you, but you seemed to have recognized me...
Who are you?

 

Jesus, you're dumb. Guy in the car? nice description. Please don't be a witness of my murder (It's going to happen. You don't live this long and be this awesome without making enemies). "Yeah, he was a guy with a body. And then he shot that person. And then he ran in a North-southernly direction." Anyway, I've solved this mystery, dumbass. The guy in the car is this guy:

 

No? Then it's this guy in a car:

Still no? Well that's all I got, dumb shit.

 

Happy Father's Day to all you fathers out there or as I like to think of you; mother fuckers! But seriously, Happy Father's Day.