I Work From Home, Bitch

Hey there. You look nice today. A nice button up and some very professional looking slacks. I assume by your attire that you work in an office or at the very least you leave the house to work.

I don't.

I'm one of those cursed/lucky few who work from home. Don't get me wrong (you already got me all wrong, baby), I love working from home. No driving to work, no pants at work and midday nap time make a very interesting life for me. But I've discovered a few things that you might be interested to know. Oh, you're not interested? Then quit reading my blog, asshole. This is as interesting as I get.

Sorry about that. I didn't mean you're ACTUALLY an asshole. (Except for Frank. That guy can eat shit and die.) And yes, I know The Oatmeal did this before me. But mine are different.

My whole point is I'm privy to another side of life that some of you can only dream (stop that) about. None of these (except the first one) are good or bad. They just are. Let's go over my list together and see how we feel afterwards:

Item 1) They pick up trash in the middle of the day and make as much fucking noise as possible. I never knew that trash day was every day that ends in "Y" but it must be, because they're always at my complex; clanging shit around like the shittiest/best drum circle that has ever existed. And they take their sweet-ass time. This doesn't really disturb my work, per say, but holy sweet mother of basura it is obnoxious. There are also more fires/accidents/whatever creates firetruck ambulance noise during the day than you could ever imagine.

Item 2) Everyone you talk to thinks working at home is great. Even if they have a great job that they love. If I talked to a billionaire CEO of an ass and titties conglomerate (Titshire Assaway?) and told him I worked from home, he would envy me in some small way. Which I get. But I don't get.

Item 3) I've stopped understanding why people won't hang out with me until 3 AM.

Item 4) I'll go to the store at 5 PM and realize that the cashier is the first human interaction I've had all day. This may not sound strange, but most of the time, unless I'm talking to myself (NO JUDGING) I go large spans without hearing my voice. And I looooooove my voice.

Item 5) Movie channels play straight crap during the day. I've seen Red Tails/Lake Placid/La Dolce Vita exactly 1000 times since starting my work-from-home adventure. Yeah, I could watch the stuff on my DVR, but Red Tails is right there in my face. Besides, I've already seen all the Gomer Pile episodes and F-Troop from when I stayed home "sick" as a kid.

That pretty much sums up my experience. Working from home is like staying home in the middle of the day as a kid. Happy Tuesday, worker bees/SUCKERS.