There Goes My Gun

Aloha. You people are so lucky. Yeah, I said you people. What of it? Why am I so confrontational, asks no one in particular? Because I've been reading through the missed connections from Oahu and the people there are either the most polite or the most disturbed people posting on Craigslist ever. The dichotomy is making my brain hurt! But, please, read for yourself.

Female Dominant Likes Waxing - w4m (Mililani)

I am a profesional Fem Dom and I do body waxing hair removal also.
I think a hair free body is much sexier than a hairy mess. So do you or you wouldn't be reading this.
I have a salon and a Dungeon where I can do 1 or the other and I do not offer any sexual services.
I am a professional and I will wax you and make you sexy or I can make you My submissive, your choice.

I'm not going to pretend to be an expert on Dominatrices, because I did that once in Prague and now I can't go back there. That being said, dominating someone is sexual. Just because your not touching the guy's dick or shoving a riding crop up his ass doesn't mean one or both of you aren't getting off on it. Further more, WAXING. Holy shit. You want to talk about two sides of a coin, then this is your milieu. I can see how waxing feeds into BDSM type stuff, but this makes it sound like she's got a nice waxing operation set up, where if you ask the right questions you'll be ball-gagged and getting whipped. While also having that back hair taken care of. It's a strange world we live in.

A special connection - m4w - 30 (Ala Moana Mall)

I was taking a dump in the unisex restroom at the mall. And forgot to lock the door. You opened the door and said "O GOD!" and shut the door. But before you said O GOD! I felt like we had a special moment when our eyes meet. I hurried wiped. Pulled up my pants and washed my hands then opened the door. And you were gone. now the door to my heart is unlocked. If you read this, respond and mention something special that you saw so I'll know it's you.

Posted without comment.

parked next to me 2 days in a row - m4w - 33 (hawaii kai)

I dont even know ur name. You wore a black skirt today, and you looked oh so hot. We made eye contact and smiled. I wanted to ask you to lunch but you were with your coworker and i lost my nerve. I wish i had a name to go with your pretty face. Email me back saying something specific so i know its you, and maybe we can make some free time for each other...

This guy is a sad mess. He's all "hey, we parked next to each other two days in a row. It must be fate." and then at the end he says the, ever-so-romantic, "maybe we can make some free time for each other..." What a commitment. I would love to see the specific thing she emails him. "In kindergarten, Mrs. Hunkles was my teacher, and I shit my pants pretty hard during naptime." Pretty goddamn specific.

 

You waved...Twice - m4w - 55 (Waipio 7-11)

I was walking towards Costco and noticed you pumping gas. I thought you were gorgeous. You noticed me checking you out and waved. I would have stopped by to talk but there was a guy with you in the car (I'm hoping that was your father since if he wasn't, he should have been pumping the gas or you). As you drove past me, you waved again. I know this is a long shot, but I hope you see this, we get to know each other, and live happily ever after. I'm a pretty decent catch. :-) 

Two waves and this guy is already talking about being together forever. He's either crazy or crazy. My guess is crazy. And then his comment on chivalry in the middle of the paragraph there; very nice. I've noticed since the time of ever that everyone has an excuse for not talking to someone. I do the same shit (i.e. You were working and that's awkward) but it's a crock. Because I've broken every "if not for this" rule I've ever said quietly to myself while weeping myself to sleep. So stop lying to Craigslist, asshole. You didn't talk to her because you're a pussy. The end.

And that really is the end. If these didn't seem particularly disturbing, it's because I omitted the "To the Hot asian top that hit my g spot" posting. Hope everyone has a safe Thursday and an even safer weekend. MAHALO BITCHES.

Palace of the Brine

I just listened to the new Daft Punk album on Spotify and I gotta be honest; bit of a letdown. My one word review would be "yawn." Be sure to take that review with a grain of salt. While we're on the topic of yawning and salt, Pittsburgh! Don't see the connection? Would you say you "missed the connection"? See what I did there? MARVEL AT MY GENIUS. Anyway, Pittsburgh and farts and such.

You are a black; a Gentleman - w4m (SW-Pa)

We missed the connection...please try again
You must be single, non-smoker, age 55+ and ready to choose by answering this post.

If I didn't know better, I'd think this post was lifted from the internet in 1950. But I do know better. "You are a black." This person is just an ignorant moron. I like her list of things you must be, especially the little bit about being "ready to choose by answering this post." If I didn't know better, I'd think she was looking for a partner for her quest. Maybe to Shangri-La. But I do know better...

You and I spend a lot of time in Starbucks - m4w - 19 (Wexford Plaza)

We've both been in this particular Starbucks almost every day without fail for a month now, and I have yet to get the courage to say more to you than a simple "hello!". You're older than I am, I would guess mid-30's but I think you're older than you look. You're very petite, I'm not sure if you even break five feet tall, but you're short and sweet and very pretty. I'm sure that, living in Wexford, you're probably happily married with kids and would have no interest in a fling with someone young enough to be your son, but you fascinate me and I would like to get to know you. I'm, not to overly toot my own horn, one of the more distinctive and memorable patrons of this Starbucks. If you see this, send me an email with what I drive in the subject line! I'm sure it's ostentatious enough that you'd remember it, and the driver, well enough to figure out who I am.

Let me give you some advice, dickbag. (May I call you dickbag?) Women LOVE when you tell them, and then keep reminding them, that they're old. Older than you, at least. They eat that shit up. Also, there's a little trick to finding out if a woman is married that works 90% of the time. Look at her left hand. Is there a ring on her ring finger? Yes: married. No: not married or forgot to wear her ring that day/she's a slut. Or you could just ask. Older ladies (mid 30's SO OLD) like it when young guys express interest. Just don't forget to remind her that she's older while you do it. I'd hate to see you fail.

House Cleaning Days Inn - m4w - 37 (New Stanton Days Inn)

So I watched the three of you taking a smoke break out back...hot stuff..I spoke to two of you ladies. As you were getting off work...All three are smoking hot! If you're interested in learning more about me, hit me up. Tell me what you were doing when I told you you were hot..

This guy has the best fucking pillow talk. YOU SHOULD BE TAKING NOTES. Note 1) Call the women hot. Note 2) Make sure they fully understand how hot you think them to be. Note 3) And this is important: ask if they're interested in learning more about you. That way, when they respond (and we fucking know they will, you smarmy bastard) you can have the pamphlet ready with all your pertinent stats and rape ideas. I think we all know what they were doing when he told them they were hot; cringing in fear.

Nate Interstate Foodland - m4m - 30 (Washington County)

Nate Interstate Foodland would love to get together with you i think your smokin hot and would love to play if you see this and interested hit me up

I'm not typically a person that makes assumptions (You're right. I am, actually, but fuck you for bringing it up), but I'm going to have to assume this person wants to have hot, sweaty sex with Nate Interstate Foodland. I'm not sure what this "Nate Interstate Foodland" is, but a further assumption is that it's some sort of sentient supermarket that has taken the first name of Nate and the middle name of Interstate. I'm also not sure how it's going to respond to this post. If it overcame the obstacle of gaining sentience and had the wherewithal to give itself a name, then I'm sure it can overcome learning how to use the internet. I hope they meet up and live a long and healthy life together. Godspeed, building fucker.

That's a wrap from Pittsburgh, PA. I hope you enjoyed reading my responses as much as I hated sifting through the human detritus of Pittsburgh. P.S. You're smoking hot!

All over the World

Another week has passed. As a wise man once said "Time is the fire in which we burn." (Dr. Soran in Star Trek Generations said it) Speaking of burning, let's say we check in on some missed connections. Take that as you will; burning desires, burning crotches, etc. I perused the pages of Hartford, Connecticut to find la gente mas patetico, and I hit a vein of gold.

Phlebotomist - m4m (South Windsor)

Today (Thu) was the 2rd time you were my phlebotomist, we had really good convsersation. I just want to nail you every time Im there, what's my name and what are some of the things we talked about today

Decidedly fitting that this guy wants to nail the guy sticking him. For those not in the know, a phlebotomist is someone who draws your blood. (If you didn't know that, I'm sorry for pointing out your ignorance. But you deserve it.) Frankly I think that's too big a word for a missed connection. He could/should have said "Dude who took my blood." STOP TRYING TO IMPRESS EVERYONE.

Hot Girl Standing Outside... - m4w (Enfield)

I saw you outside your office this morning talking to someone and didn't want to interrupt. I think you noticed me, but not sure... If you are interested, tell me what color your shirt was so I know its you.

Hot...girl...standing...outside. Siiiiiiiiiiigh. He thinks she noticed him. After all, he was the person also standing outside. Eye-catching. What I like to imagine is that she writes him back and says "I was wearing the chartreuse shirt" and he ignores it because he thinks the shirt was more of an asparagus color. The connection stays missed and this man spends the rest of his life lamenting what could have been with the hot girl standing outside.

Beautiful redhead in the dodge interprid plate 821 SOA - m4w - 22 (7 eleven manchester)

I saw you walking in front of me and you held the door for me. Thank you. You have a very beautiful smile. To bad I was to shy to say something. If you see this, I'd like to try and get to know you over coffee or a drink

This guy is a level 35 creeper. He would put Quentin Tarantino on edge. "Hey, didn't have the guts to talk to you, so in lieu of that I WROTE DOWN YOUR LICENSE PLATE NUMBER." And then he went one step further; he posted the license plate number on a widely viewed public message board. I know license plate numbers aren't sacred or private, but come on, dude. That's going to scare away damn near anybody.

Sigh - m4w (Hartford)

We work together. I think you are beautiful, funny and interesting.
You will never know.
I can never tell you.

Well, thanks for telling all of us. I'm going to sit here and pretend that I wrote this to myself. Then I'm going to cry. (P.S. "Sigh"? FUCK YOU)

Lkg for the guy i blew/ fingered few wks back - m4m - 40 (Wethersfield)

Hey bro if u see this i remember u said tues u work from home.. Round 2? Up for fuckin me or gettn banged out? Free til noon

Hahahahahahahaha. These really make my day.

Books - m4w (CT)

Just watched Bridges Of Madison County.
It reminded me of you and your love life. I hope you are happy with your choices.  

Re: Books - w4m

Can you give another clue? Could be meant for me... Things are always not what they seem...  

This little exchange is so goddamn confusing. Confusing thing number 1 is that the subject is "Books" and then the person says "I just watched Bridges of Madison County." Confusing thing number 2 is that this woman thinks this might be for her. "Bridges" is about a woman who has an affair and this guy saying "I hope you are happy with your choices." is kind of damning. Why would you seek out a follow-up? Do people often actively seek out people that hate them? Confusing thing number 3 is "Things are always not what they seem." SHE JUST BROKE OPEN THE MATRIX, FOLKS. That sandwich you're eating that seems like a sandwich? NOT A SANDWICH. Forget your so-called reality, sheeple. YOU'VE BEEN LIED TO. Here's your follow up clue, lady: This guy can't tell the difference between books and movies so he probably didn't know he was on Craigslist.

 

Ah! Another satisfying conclusion. Have a great weekend. I hope we're all happy with our choices.

The Sad Punk

Did you know that if you try to synch Pan's Labyrinth with "Wish You Were Here" after a number of drinks it will sort of work? Of course you knew that. You're smart. That's what I like about you. You know what I don't like about you? Canada. I know it doesn't make sense, but neither does looking at missed connections from Vancouver. BUT I DID.

Mustang driving woman - m4w 

Talk about a good strong first impression. You looked like a fellow fitness buff, and I thought your hot pink top was well-,...hot. But of course never said so. I simply complimented you on your car which you mentioned was for sale. Beauty of a car. Can we get in touch to talk more? You have ...so 

This person is a master of suspense. What does she have? I mean, apart from a "beauty of a car", you super Canadian mother fucker. You should have pretended that you were interested in buying her car. Actually, you should have just said "You're beautiful. You don't have a boyfriend, do ya, ay?" Then you could have had sex in a forest of maple trees or something. GOD, I HATE CANADA.

Girl in green pants on lonsdale!!!!! - m4w - 33 (lonsdale)

I saw you today in a store on lonsdale You had green pants on and a cute piercing that i could see. Loved your style. Let me know if you see this!!!!!!!!!!

If the first 5 exclamation points didn't scare her away, the last 11 did. Hang it up, psycho.

Girl at phibbs with huuuuge tits - m4w - 25 (Phibbs exchange )

You were walking towards the station at 8:30. I noticed your fun bags were enormous. I'd like to bring you iced tea and worship your nipples. Sincerely, guy waiting at the cap u bus stop.

This made me laugh. A lot. You can almost hear the guy saying this. "I'd like to bring you iced tea and worship your nipples." This guy is a goddamn poet. He's one of the most honest posters I've ever seen on here. No innuendo. No "You had a great smile" or any nonsense like that. No. This guy tells it like it is. She has big tits and that is all he is interested in. DONE.

100 bus and epic novels. - w4m (22nd Street) 

You sat beside me on the bus today while I was reading the fourth novel of a particular series. We chatted, blah blah blah. Just last night I was thinking I wish I had someone to talk about the series with, since nobody I know loves them like I do.
If you are interested in finishing the series, or chatting about what you've read, OR watching the tv show on netflix and complaining about the differences - email me! I should have asked for your contact, but I was running extremely late and was sort of all over the place at the time.

Subject the email with what novel we were discussing so I know its you!

Join a book club, you stupid Canadian whore. Wow. I don't know where that came from. Let me try a different tact. SHUT UP.

You somke on your balcony - m4w - 38 (Pitt meadows) 

I see you smoke on your balcony ..I smoke on mine.. You are always on the phone... I made a comment on your boston jersey in the hallway one day.... I know its a long shot but..I sure would like to talk more. Tell me what you have on your balcony so I know its you!

Smoking and waiting!!!

"Smoking and waiting!!!" What are you waiting for? For her to move into your apartment so then you'll be forced to interact with her in person? Because it seems like she's already pretty much at your disposal for any kind of talking you want to do. Which, by the way, negates your "I know its a long shot" bullshit. The only long shot here is that you're not mentally retarded/Canadian. BOOYAH.

That's all folks. Don't forget to never go to Canada. Or if you do, attend a nipple worshiping or two.

Is She Weird

It has been far too long, kittens. To make it up to you, I wrote you a haiku:

Connections are missed,
People regret their sad lives,
Albuquerque sucks.

So I cruised the Albuquerque missed connections for this week's post. Really, I was just looking for a good meth dealer, but I had no such luck.

Sexy Waitress Padillas - m4w (ABQ)

I wanted to say hello to the pretty waitress at Padillas Resturant. I saw you on Wed. April 24th. You were wearing a blue shirt with the playboy design on the front. I liked your great smile. You are very pretty and have incredible breasts. You seemed very sweet. Lets talk.

Maybe it's because I'm listening to "Picture me Rolling" right now, but I'm in a good mood and feel like giving this guy a break. I mean, we've all been right where he's sitting, wanting to say "hello" to a pretty waitress and then not actually doing it in our shitty Craigslist post. This guy has his priorities, though. Priority #1) NICE TITS. Priority #2) "You seemed very sweet." Points for being pretty tactless there, but those points are immediately withdrawn because you live in Albuquerque.

Erica at Edge Fest 2013 - m4w - 37 (The Lawn)

You danced with me, screamed about tampons, and made my night with all of your silliness. You have a 14 y/o daughter that was not there with you, but her Bff was. You had a few too many, and I wasn't sure if there was real connection, or just the spirits talking.

There's a lot to like here. She has a 14 year old daughter's friend by her drunken side as she screams about tampons and dances with strange men. Let's see who the line-up was: The Killers, Cake, Bad Religion, Minus the Bear, Shiny Toy Guns, Middle Class Rut, Youngblood Hawke, IAMDYNAMITE and Jared & The Mill. Not a bad line-up if you like shitty music. (I'm just kidding. I love Cake and I love cake and I'm just being a grouchy bastard) What I'm not getting is why this guy is questioning their chemistry. He knows she can handle her booze and is a responsible parent, so why question the magic? Just roll with it! I see fun times in your future.

Alex at Dollar Store - w4m - 22 (Juan Tabo FD)

Hey Alex, I see you all the time, I come in with my mom and my son a lot.... We always talk about the "Bowl" and how it should be smoke time.... Never have the balls to say anything to you.... I have dark Hair and glasses..... You asked "Where's the (You fill in the blank!)?"

Definatley you should know who I am by that! So let's do it, HMU, let's blaze....
You're kind cute too :)

Wow. A pothead who can't find anyone to smoke with. She must be ugly as shit or boring as shit. That's too bad for her, said no one, ever. On a side note, this "HMU" acronym took me a hot minute to figure out. For those not in the know, it means "Hit Me Up" which I believe is a term the kids use these days to say "hit me back". Anyway, back to Turd Ferguson here. She doesn't have the balls to say anything other than "Man, I wish I was smoking weed right now"? Am I reading that right? What's left to say? Unless she means the "you're kind of cute" part is what she's having trouble saying. In which case, run Alex. Run as fast and as far as you can. Or lie and say you have a girlfriend. Or don't lie and actually have a girlfriend.

Kaboom Test Labs - m4w (heights)

I saw you at kaboom this past week, and haven't been able to get you off my mind. You seem like an awesome person to get to know, you're aslo very pretty and have a great smile. I was with two friends looking for some rare cards to complete my collection of the original pokemon trading card game. If you see this write back and maybe we can get to know eachother. 

Get to know each other? What's to get to know? You collect pokemon trading cards. THE END.

Boi-your name is... - w4m (buque) 

Boi- your name is Paine

Like eyes wide open, I am in complete disdain

You took me in a moment and now there is no fret, kissing you- teasing you; it's like a string quartet

You took me by surprise, all those many, many butterflies

My big mane you did not change but moved you were, strangely, in a new vein

Well, now that you know this, trust if I didn't inform you for I would be remiss

Relinquishing my inner thoughts took some time, so utterly met with pause, fraught and begrime

Never mind my fear (I hope that's clear) it's true you are to me, so very- very inhere

:) 

I started with a poem (Trust, it's a poem) so I figured I'd end with one. This girl, or should I say "gurl" is using some SAT words left and right; begrime, inhere, buque. All good words. I'm still not sure if he surprised her like a string quartet or if the teasing is like a string quartet. It doesn't REALLY matter, because this poem is shitty and neither answer makes sense. It's shittier and less sense making than the one I spent 20 seconds on at the top of the post (FUCK YOU, IT'S A POEM). And I guess it's good this guy didn't cut her hair (change her mane), but what did he do instead (in a new vein)? This reminds me of the terrible poems I wrote in high school for English class and stopped immediately after and have not written since and NO, you cannot read my diary and I'd appreciate it if you'd put down that worn composite notebook that says "March 2013 Poems" on the cover.

Thanks for the fun times, New Mexico. Disappointed there wasn't a Gale to Walter missed connection lurking, but you can only expect so much. TAMPONS!

Dig For Fire

How has your week been? If it's been anything like mine, then you're exhausted because you've been staying up late trying to figure out the perfect comeback to a "Yo Mamma so Fat" joke you heard in 1991. Let's all mosey over to Wyoming for this week's missed connections. Where in Wyoming, you ask? Doesn't matter. Because when you pick Wyoming on Craigslist, you get the Whole. Damn. State.

Girl working at McDonalds on Delrange and Ridge - m4w - 25 (Cheyenne)

This is a long shot but I'm looking for a brunette girl with a tattoo on her hand that works at the McDonals on DelRange and Ridge. I was in today at around 6 on 4/27 and ordered an ice cream come and two sundaes, I thought you were really hot. I'm married but would love to have some "fun". If you see this and are interested email me or text me 3O7 5O9 OO19 

I think this is the first time I've read missed connections and thought, "they live in a place devoid of humans, so they have a legitimate chance of running into each other." Idiot McDouche here seems to disagree. "ice cream come" Typo? Or well placed innuendo? YOU DECIDE. Or I'll decide for you. It's a typo. How do I know that? Because this stupid married asshole posted his telephone number on Craigslist for all 150 occupants of Wyoming to see. And no one that stupid could work innuendo into a post. And why is "fun" in quotes? Is he implying that him cheating on his wife with her will not be fun? Kudos, completely oblivious guy! 

zebra shorts - m4w - 32 (gillette)

hi there, we locked eyes and exchanged smiles at smiths about 630pm to 700pm on monday the 29th you where going in smiths i was leaving in a pewter or silver gmc 4door truck. I'd like to chat with you 

This made me want a pair of zebra shorts more than anything else in the world. Also, I gotta say, 30 minutes is a long time to maintain eye contact AND smile contact with a complete stranger. To each their own, I suppose. Dude calls his truck "pewter." Who does that? That shit is gray.

Mills Loaf n Jug - ww4m - 21 (Mills/Casper)

To the guy who paid for our snacks at Loaf n Jug: You made our entire night!!! I highly doubt you'd see this here but you left so fast we never had a chance to thank you. Consider yourself thanked. That was the coolest thing anyone has ever done. We will both make sure to pay it forward.

A post where someone is genuinely thankful for a kind act and just wanting to say thank you. It's refreshing. But more importantly, there's a fucking store called Loaf n Jug. Hahahaha. I can hear the goddamn banjos...

True (Cheyenne)

Until you do right by me everything you even think about will crumble. I don't know much but I know this much is true. How many strange dudes have you sucked off since we last spoke? How many lies have you told? The people closest to you have no idea who you really are. You lie to everyone. I hope you catch an std you whore!

Finally! Someone in Wyoming has a pulse. A little vitriol instead of "Walmart this." And "Kmart that." And "I'm married but let's 'hookup'." "I HOPE YOU CATCH AN STD YOU WHORE!" That is some Shakespearean shit. It feels like he's putting a gypsy curse on this lady. "Everything you even think about will crumble." I hope this bitch doesn't think about any bridges I drive on...

Well, Wyoming, you were kind of boring, and a little sad/cheaty. But you got the job done. Word to the wise: LOAF N JUG.