Palace of the Brine

I just listened to the new Daft Punk album on Spotify and I gotta be honest; bit of a letdown. My one word review would be "yawn." Be sure to take that review with a grain of salt. While we're on the topic of yawning and salt, Pittsburgh! Don't see the connection? Would you say you "missed the connection"? See what I did there? MARVEL AT MY GENIUS. Anyway, Pittsburgh and farts and such.

You are a black; a Gentleman - w4m (SW-Pa)

We missed the connection...please try again
You must be single, non-smoker, age 55+ and ready to choose by answering this post.

If I didn't know better, I'd think this post was lifted from the internet in 1950. But I do know better. "You are a black." This person is just an ignorant moron. I like her list of things you must be, especially the little bit about being "ready to choose by answering this post." If I didn't know better, I'd think she was looking for a partner for her quest. Maybe to Shangri-La. But I do know better...

You and I spend a lot of time in Starbucks - m4w - 19 (Wexford Plaza)

We've both been in this particular Starbucks almost every day without fail for a month now, and I have yet to get the courage to say more to you than a simple "hello!". You're older than I am, I would guess mid-30's but I think you're older than you look. You're very petite, I'm not sure if you even break five feet tall, but you're short and sweet and very pretty. I'm sure that, living in Wexford, you're probably happily married with kids and would have no interest in a fling with someone young enough to be your son, but you fascinate me and I would like to get to know you. I'm, not to overly toot my own horn, one of the more distinctive and memorable patrons of this Starbucks. If you see this, send me an email with what I drive in the subject line! I'm sure it's ostentatious enough that you'd remember it, and the driver, well enough to figure out who I am.

Let me give you some advice, dickbag. (May I call you dickbag?) Women LOVE when you tell them, and then keep reminding them, that they're old. Older than you, at least. They eat that shit up. Also, there's a little trick to finding out if a woman is married that works 90% of the time. Look at her left hand. Is there a ring on her ring finger? Yes: married. No: not married or forgot to wear her ring that day/she's a slut. Or you could just ask. Older ladies (mid 30's SO OLD) like it when young guys express interest. Just don't forget to remind her that she's older while you do it. I'd hate to see you fail.

House Cleaning Days Inn - m4w - 37 (New Stanton Days Inn)

So I watched the three of you taking a smoke break out back...hot stuff..I spoke to two of you ladies. As you were getting off work...All three are smoking hot! If you're interested in learning more about me, hit me up. Tell me what you were doing when I told you you were hot..

This guy has the best fucking pillow talk. YOU SHOULD BE TAKING NOTES. Note 1) Call the women hot. Note 2) Make sure they fully understand how hot you think them to be. Note 3) And this is important: ask if they're interested in learning more about you. That way, when they respond (and we fucking know they will, you smarmy bastard) you can have the pamphlet ready with all your pertinent stats and rape ideas. I think we all know what they were doing when he told them they were hot; cringing in fear.

Nate Interstate Foodland - m4m - 30 (Washington County)

Nate Interstate Foodland would love to get together with you i think your smokin hot and would love to play if you see this and interested hit me up

I'm not typically a person that makes assumptions (You're right. I am, actually, but fuck you for bringing it up), but I'm going to have to assume this person wants to have hot, sweaty sex with Nate Interstate Foodland. I'm not sure what this "Nate Interstate Foodland" is, but a further assumption is that it's some sort of sentient supermarket that has taken the first name of Nate and the middle name of Interstate. I'm also not sure how it's going to respond to this post. If it overcame the obstacle of gaining sentience and had the wherewithal to give itself a name, then I'm sure it can overcome learning how to use the internet. I hope they meet up and live a long and healthy life together. Godspeed, building fucker.

That's a wrap from Pittsburgh, PA. I hope you enjoyed reading my responses as much as I hated sifting through the human detritus of Pittsburgh. P.S. You're smoking hot!