Freaks of the Industry

I recently had a friend in town from New York. Someone told him he has nice skin to which I instantly said "Don't pay him a compliment! You don't know him!" He talked about his nice skin for the rest of the trip. In honor of his visit, the missed connections featured today are coming from none other than the city that never sleeps. (That's a thing people say about New York City, right? Or is it Massapequa?) Hopefully they're as exciting as the ones here in LA. If not as exciting, certainly more expensive.

We met at HealthSmart - w4m - 22 (Midtown East)

I know this is crazy but...
We talked for a minute at HealthSmart on 36th.
You ordered a green juice and we talked about how all of the choices were great.
I ended up choosing the same juice you got...
What did I call it the ultimate juice.. a "..."

This gets me every time. What's crazy here? That you're posting? Because I don't think that's crazy at all. If you genuinely connected with someone and had this deep moving experience then you should... Oh. What's that? I see. So you chatted up a person at a juice bar. Uh huh. Talked about the most mundane bullshit minutia possible. Oh! You chose the same juice! YES IT'S FUCKING CRAZY. But it's crazy for the same reason most of these are crazy. Not because you're posting and holding out hope, but because you're hoping to reconnect something that was never there. Oof...downer. 

Blue Dress - m4w - 42 (Madison Park)

You were sitting on a park bench wearing a blue dress that looked like it was meant for a much warmer day. You looked beautiful and pouty. I imagined that I might be the one to tame you...to make you grateful for my gaze, my touch...

I'd love to see you again. 

Okay. Starting off well here. Talking about the dress. That's good. Don't understand the comment on it but keep going. "Beautiful and pouty", good, paying a compliment, sort of. Go on. You "might be the one to tame her"....O...K...It's kind of going off the rails here. "to make you grateful for my gaze, my touch" Aaaaaand, you lost her. Full stop. You need to finish strong. Love to see her again...alright. You...uh...no. This is a prime example of what a slippery slope these things are. See how easily it can go from missed connection to Unsolved Mysteries segment?

You were SMOKING outside the bar... - m4w - 35 (NYC)

You were smoking outside the bar... We made eye contact but I couldn't stop watching you smoke. You looked very sexy holding your cigarette, taking a long, deep, cheek hallowing inhale, followed by a long, slow smokey exhale.

You were enjoying the moment, away from your friends, enjoying the cigarette. I think you noticed me watching you smoke...

I would love to buy you more cigarettes... If this is you, please write me back...

When I saw the title of the post I was full on expecting some diatribe. "You were SMOKING, you bitch!" But this was so much better/worse. This is a good example of how you can START your missed connection as a Unsolved Mysteries segment and end with a murder suicide. He was definitely masturbating while writing this post, if not while he watched her smoke. "I would love to buy you more cigarettes..." Two words: Biggest. Oral. Fixation. Ever.

you in the orange jacket with suitcase on 1 train - w4m (Chelsea)

you're asian. you have a kickass haircut. i saw you look at me but i was too shy to look back. i was standing by the door in a brown jacket. what are the chances you will see this? :)  

I was laughing as I was reading the headline because I pictured someone shouting it to someone as they ran away. "You! In the orange jacket! With suitcase!" Then they just relate facts about them back to them. "You're asian.You have a kickass haircut" Uh, DUH. He knows this. "What are the chances you will see this?" And now you want him to do math. Why? Because he's asian? You make me sick...

M train, You asked, "Does this go to 4th street?" - w4m - 23 (Myrtle?)

Okay....

So, I felt like you and I could've been pretty good friends. You had big blue eyes and a green hat and poofy jacket I think, I had big green eyes and short brown hair (it was wet from the rain). You came from the other side and asked me, "Does this train go to 4th street?" and I said, "I sure hope so!" Well, after that I was scared to talk to you. We made eye contact on the train and would smile occasionally at each other with the sounds that the train was making. I was going to ask you for a drink, instead I got off at my stupid stop (Broadway-Layfayette) for absolutely nothing. I waved good bye to you and for whatever reason it was so sad. So I ended up going to 4th street and I obviously didn't find you. Chances are quite slim. Well, if you see this.... It'll be crazy. But it may be neato bajeato and we could go get that drink that I was going to ask you about!

B.

Ha. Yeah, you guys would have been amazing friends. I mean, based on the insane amount (And I mean that) of detail here, I feel like you really would have hit it off. He has eyes, a hat, a jacket and can speak; the foundation of all good relationships. "I sure hope so!" I feel desperate just reading that. Here's your problem, B (Can I call you B?): if he finds this, it WILL be crazy, but not as crazy as the vibe you're putting out. I, being an unrepentant sexist (Our father who art in heaven. Am I right, fellas?), thought that only men posting on craigslist missed connections could get the crazy output this high, but I have been proven sexistly (Sexily? Fuck it) wrong. To think, he probably singled her out to ask her about the train because he felt safe. Now he's going to find a boiling rabbit in his over-priced apartment. 

Happy humpday, everyone.  Smoke 'em if you got 'em.