Finding the Perfect Mate: The 4 Date Solution

I was recently hanging out with some friends and while talking discovered the perfect four date process to finding the person who is right for you. You may not agree with my methods, but once you've read them, analyzed them and come to grips with them, there will be no denying their effectiveness.

Date 1: Cut a Hole in the Box...Or a Dinner Date.

This is the first and easiest of the dates. Take the person out to dinner. Pick a nice restaurant, but not too nice. We don't want them thinking we're rich and this is the lifestyle they can expect, do we? Don't split the check. I can't emphasize this enough. Going dutch is equivalent to saying "I'm glad we both happened to be at this restaurant and we were seated together. Don't think about sex with me." Don't order for the person unless they can't read. If they can't read, order for them, but don't immediately go into your diatribe about modern literature and how prose is dead. Drink the exact right amount of alcohol. For some this will be a glass of wine, for others this will be all of the wine. ALL OF IT.

Date 2: Dinner and a Movie at Your Apartment

A bold step, I know. Inviting them into your house means you'll have to clean and take down your sex swing, but it also means you might get a chance to put the sex swing back up before the night is through. (WINK) This date allows for a more intimate setting and also for you to show off all those skills you've learned watching Chopped. Cook something fun. If you can, enlist their help. This will help make them more comfortable in your house. Keep conversation light. Maybe try working in something about sex swings. EAT THE DINNER. Delicious! The movie you pick is probably the most important part of the evening. This can be your litmus test for myriad things; The Big Lebowski - sense of humor, The Shining - are they a pussy?, Schindler's List - how do they feel about the Holocaust?, etc. If you want to go for the hat trick, watch a movie with a sex swing in it.

Date 3: Drinks and a Comedy Show

This is where you really get to know them. It's best not to go with light-hearted fare. You need something gritty or at the very least a little offensive. Something in the vein of UCB, iO or a live performance of Song of the South. If they can't handle a rape joke or two, or hilarious full frontal nudity, then how are they going to handle your house getting foreclosed on the the bank taking your kids away?

Date 4: The Most Crucial Date

This is it, folks. The most important date of your life. You will take everything you gleaned from Dates 1 - 3 and apply it here. The first part of this crucial, super crucial, date is doing whatever. Go to a movie, a museum; I don't really give a fuck. It's not important what you actually do on the date. But you have to have them stay the night. (If they don't want to sleep with you by Date 4, you need to unload that dead weight ASAP anyway.) So get them back to your place. They spend the night (sexy swing time?). This is the all important crucialistic part: while they're asleep in your bed after what I'm assuming was mediocre/amazing coitus, lazily dreaming about the breakfast you'll have them make for you... shit in the bed. Do it. Shit right there in the bed. Hopefully they'll wake up, but if they don't just give them a little nudge. There! Now they're awake! And what's this?!? You've shit the bed! Give them any excuse or no excuse and see how they react. If they don't immediately bolt/vomit/curse your name and the names of your unborn descendants then what you have on your hands is a bona fide keeper. They've passed the test.

Everything else can fall away. You can make it through anything. Congratulations on your new life together!