Midnite Snack

How was your weekend? Oh yeah? That sounds fun. Thanks for the invite. No, I had plans, but it's the thought that counts. MAYBE I AM AN ASSHOLE. Baby, let's not fight. Cool? Cool. Anyway, the weekend always means more people passing up golden opportunities that they'll regret for infinity, or at least until another opportunity goes to the same Ralphs as them.

Let's peruse their misery...

Beverly Hills Jury Duty - m4w - 26 (Beverly Hills)

Uggs. Beanie. Studying for your GRE. I'd like to see you again.

Sorry I didn't ask for your name/number.  

Oh, jury duty. So much love blossoms in those still hours, waiting to sentence someone to jail for manslaughter. "Uggs. Beanie." This describes no one and yet everyone, all at once. Profound. "Sorry I didn't ask..." Aw, man! Don't apologize for that. You just saved her from a boring date and probably terrible sex. She should be thanking you. You're a super hero!

Last Sunday at Vons - m4w - 59 (LaCrescenta)

Hi, My name is Steve. You walked by me at Vons. I was just wondering if you might be interested in a Handyman. I hope to see you again...same time...same place.
Foothill Blvd.

Hello, Steve! Is he giving anyone else the creeps? A Handyman? Is that code for a hand job? Because if he's looking for work as a handyman, missed connections is not the place. "...same time...same place." I don't understand. You never said what time you were at Vons. How is this person going to know when to be at Vons, Steve? HOW?!?

Yoshinoia - m4m (Atwater)

Your were cooking at Yoshinoia. I ordered and you said thanks from the kitchen...I left with my food and a semi...a full on would be hot!

For those that don't know, Yoshinoya (I don't know why they spelled it shitty-phonetically) is a terrible chain place that sells you diarrhea in a bowl. We've all had a crush on a Yoshinoya chef at some point in our lives, but you have to let that ship sail and forget about it. They're the modern equivalent of a Japanese emperor. You're lucky if you even see them. As far as this "semi" is concerned, I think everyone reading this has gotten a Yoshinoya boner before. When they hand you that steaming bowl of beef, you'd be inhuman NOT to get an erection. In fact, I believe Yoshinoya means "beefy bowl boner" in Japanese.

Gorgeous guy wearing a Cap at Hollywood thrift store - w4m (Goodwill at Vine and Lexington)

 Taking a chance to post here on Missed Connections. Day after Christmas, we walked pass each other in the Houseware section, and neither of us said Hello. It was too funny, I was carrying a couple of used lamp shades.

Can I just say you are really cute. If interested, tell me what I was wearing, and what time it was so I know that it is you.

"...wearing a Cap" Shut the fuck up. Just...shut up. "Taking a chance" You have taken nothing and risked less than nothing. Also, posting a missed connection 3 weeks later is the equivalent of betting on the Super Bowl in March. Shut up. "It was too funny." Can you imagine someone telling you this story? Try. For me. They're talking to you and they get to the funny part, and the funny part, the fucking punchline, is them walking through the aisle at Goodwill carrying a couple of used lampshades. HAHAHAHAHAHA! You get it? Their life is so bereft of joy that carrying lampshades is funny! You're boring, lady with shitty descriptive skills. "If interested..." How much information does she think people in Goodwill commit to memory? I barely remember what she wrote at the beginning of this post. So, unless you were wearing a fucking diaper on your head and shouting "It's 3:15! It's 3:15!" I doubt he's going to remember any of that shit. Tell you what, gorgeous guy wearing a cap; if you're interested in lampshade lady, I have a better idea for you. Put on ankle weights and walk into the Pacific Ocean.

See you next post! Same time...same place.