Shake and Bake

Today's missed connections come from that wonderful town, my personal favorite city (no joke), San Francisco (Bay Area). One time I was visiting and in the span of 5 minutes I saw two different people pissing in the street (also, no joke). Literally pissing INTO the street. And I thought to myself, "Oh, this must be a custom in this part of town." Anyway, enjoy these mind treats I'm about to dole out.

lake merrit bart - m4w - 30 (oakland lake merritt / grand)

I really don't condone homosexuality but as I got off the bart, I saw you two ladies either making out or groping each other. Such courage! Made the hair on the back of my back stand out a little. Maybe we should have a threesome. :P

Alright! Good post. Let me just get one thing out of the way first: FUCK YOU. You don't condone homosexuality? Eat shit and die, dude. And as if that's not bad enough, he proceeds to suggest they have a threesome. Now I know this post might be a joke, what with the "Such Courage!" line, but if it's a joke it's a shitty one. And shave your back, asshole.

I carried a watermelon - w4m - 27 (walnut creek)

We were watching each other all night...but when you finally came up to me you caught me off guard. I don't even remember what we talked about, but I'm sure I sounded like an idiot.
I wish you would have danced with me. 

This is...yes. This is how Dirty Dancing starts. This is Baby from Dirty Dancing. Don't believe me? Exhibits A, B and Shut Up:

Wonderbread 5 - m4w - 40 (petaluma)

Wonderbread 5, Sat night McNears in Petaluma. We caught each others eyes more than once, and exchanged a couple of smiles early in the night. Later on you danced to impress your husband/boyfriend/date, who showed no interest. Can I take you out for coffee???. Let me know what you were wearing so that I know it's you. 

First things first, Wonderbread 5 are these yahoos, so you already know this is going to be stellar. Second things second, he says your HUSBAND/BOYFRIEND/date showed no interest, so hey let's go grab some coffee. He imagines that she has a husband or boyfriend and yet his very next sentence is asking her out. His pants must be custom tailored to hold balls that huge. And when people talk about exchanging looks or smiles or what the fuck ever, it makes it sound like they're talking about swapping clothes. Or they were trying to convert their smile currency to something the locals favor, like smirks or a grimace.

Talked shit on hair at your bar, felt bad, saw you at store, ran away. - m4w - 22 (oakland downtown)

Hi! I'm pretty sure you overheard me being a big drunken asshole last night at your bar. I had an ex girlfriend who had a similar haircut to you, and in my state i was inspired to be a dick about it. I realized you probably heard me and i felt terrible. Then i realized i was staring at you a little bit, and felt bad about that too.

Today when i saw you at whole foods is definitely when i should have apologized but i was extremely high and instead i just forgot what i was doing and bought a bunch of ravioli and got the hell out of there.

I'm sorry for what i said, and I'm sorry i didn't apologize in person at the store. You seem like a sweet girl and are actually very attractive.

So yeah, my bad. 

We've all met this person, right? The person who puts their foot in their mouth and then continues doing it? Hell, I've been this person before, but never like this. For starters, "Talked shit on hair" is an amazing opener. Namely because it makes it sound like you're talking about hair that's been shit on. May I just say, congrats! Then you ingratiate yourself, not once but twice, by saying you were A) a big drunken asshole and then later B) extreeeeemely high. You're on a roll here. Not to be out done, you go ahead and mention that while high, you forgot what you were doing so you bought a bunch of ravioli and then bolted. You bought...a bunch... of ravioli. I'm speechless. When I get high (WHICH NEVER HAPPENS) I usually forget what I'm doing and buy stock in KFC. To each their own.

Hope you enjoyed the many flavors of the Bay Area. On to the next city/shit show!