Walk Real Kool

Happy Oscars night to you all? Don't watch or care about the Oscars? I don't know why we're freinds sometimes. This will be my last Los Angeles Missed Connections post for awhile. I'm going to start seeing other cities. It's not you, Los Angeles. You've been amazing. But after that infographic from earlier this week, I realized that there are other, lamer skanks in the sea that I need to seek out and humiliate anonymously. That being said...

Speedwalking beauty with pleather/plastic/latex legging tights on - m4w (USC)

We were both being law abiding citizens, waiting to cross, and you were kind enough to drop some math on me and do the countdown, lol. I basically sprinted to my car so I could catch up with you and offer you a ride, but you were speedwalking like you hadn't pee'd in a week... Hope you made it home ok. We should do that again sometime. 

Let me drop some math on you, my friend. You have 0 game. That's a number that Indians invented specifically to explain how much game you don't have (I think). Speedwalking like you hadn't peed in a week? THAT'S fucking weak. And what do you want to do again sometime? Stand at a crosswalk waiting for the light to change and then you desperately sprinting to your car only to never see her again? Even without posting this you're halfway there. Just sprint down to your car. Boom. Done.

Your loss - w4m - 20

Your actions spoke louder then your words, in this case, how could someone be your friend if all you're interested in is their vagina? Tried to show you that I cared about more then just your dick, but your actions spoke louder then your words. It's quite sad..

If only you would have made me feel like I was more then a vagina. 

Man, this guy is a dick. She cared about more than just your penis, man. Possibly your balls, which I'm assuming are attached to your crotch. But I digress. HOW DARE HE?!? This girl is more than a vagina! Clearly she has a uterus and probably some fallopian tubes. And all the hurt feelings means she obviously has a liver, the organ where all hurt feelings come from. She's right, though, this is YOUR LOSS, bro. Bro-ham. Bro-sephine Baker. Bro-seph Smith, founder of The Bro-mon Church. If you hadn't fucked this up you could have had at least another six months of her bitching at you. Maybe next time don't focus only on her vagina. I suggest anal play.

Castaic Ralphs Girl In Tight Red Pants - m4w - 40 (Caataic)

I was behind you in line, you were sexy and beautiful in your tight red pants and black top... you paid with Wic I really wanted to buy your groceries for you... if you see this please respond and let me treat you like a princess. 

WIC, it turns out, is welfare. It stands for "women, infants and children" and is used to supplement income for people found to be at nutritional risk. I'm not judging anyone who needs this assistance. Really, I am not. That being said, let's break down the sketchiness that this guy is bringing full fucking force. He starts by commenting on how sexy she is in her tight red pants which we ALL KNOW what it means when someone thinks you're sexy in tight pants. It's a great come on, but then he goes on to make note of her financial situation and that he wanted to buy her groceries. It's the pity line! Women. Love. Pity. It's like cologne mixed with roofies and little bits of George Clooney. It's irresistible to most (all) women. Let's see if he finishes strong... Why, yes! He wants to treat her like a princess. Like a fucking princess! She'll be thrilled. This guy is dropping mad science. He goes with the sexy pity princess trifecta! He belongs in the Playa's Hall o' Fame! 

 

You were working at woodland hills Petco and saw a pic on my phone... - m4w (Woodland Hills Petco)

Where do I begin! The odds of you seeing this is astronomical but I have to try!
I came into Petco at 2pm and bought some cat food.. On the receipt your name starts with a D (I won't burn you here) you were at the register and offered to help me out you complimented me for my Yoda hoodie and we had small talk you are absolutely beautiful!!!.... When you were trying to scan my coupons on my phone you accidentally swiped to the previous image and it was a picture of my dick and a girl spread... I was COMPLETELY mortified!!! You played it cool and somehow I managed not to run out the door...
First off I want to say I'm really sorry? lol I'm sure that doesn't happen often at a petco LOL but it's a story for both of us to tell and laugh!
On the off chance you do see this I'd love to talk to you :)
Hope this reaches you D! 

Where do I begin? WHERE DO I BEGIN? How about DON'T BURY THE LEAD. You should start with her seeing the dick picture and then you should not continue writing because you told the whole story. Why was a dick picture next to a coupon for cat food in your phone? (Dick pictures next to animal related pictures on a phone are dangerous, as my friend can attest) And then why is you being sorry a question? No matter. She'll find this, you'll meet up and you'll both have a good long laugh...HAHAHAHAHA. The times you've shared! Then you'll get married and have kids and when the kids are old enough you'll tell the charming "how we met" story. Maybe as a toast at their wedding! Ooooooh...man.... Upon further review, the most rewarding part about this post is that he's worried about the odds of her finding this post at all.

That's all she wrote, as my father is fond of saying. Make sure you click on the links in the post to get the full effect. Until next time, stay safe and delete all your phone dick pictures.