Here Comes Your Man

Is it Friday, yet? Oh...it is. Well then, we can dispense with the cliches and get down to business. I chose Portland, Oregon for today's missed connections. I was there once and it was beautiful. But this was pre-hipster take over. I haven't been back, but I'm assuming they ruined it. They ruin everything...

Young bank clerk-US Bank - m4w - 31 (wilsonville)

I stop in regularly (today included) and find you very attractive. Young, cute, outgoing with a bubbly personality. I'm sorry I don't remember your name..

I doubt you will see this...

I think your ass is amazing! The last time I came in you helped me out. I couldn't keep my eyes off of that sexy round ass you have. All I could think about is pulling up that sexy long green dress of yours and bending you over right then and there.

Maybe we could set up something soon...

Tell me what you were wearing today and what I was driving ;)

This guy M. Night Shamalamadingdonged the fuck out of me. He starts out so mild mannered. Then "I doubt you will see this..." Then he just goes OFF. It's akin to a 7 year old dropping an f-bomb the minute his parents leave the room. It's literally the next thing this douche-monger says after he admits the girl won't see it. Then he kicks it up a notch. And by "kicks it up a notch" I, of course, mean he gets the rapey vibe going. He apologizes for not remembering her name, yet nary an apology for drooling over her ass. "Tell me what you were wearing..." Was it a green dress? A sexy long green dress? And you were driving the Rape Mobile! Rape Man....AWAY!

Where is Tony Mitchell - w4m - 40 (SE PDX)

Lost touch with you, seen you on PDXMUGSHOTS. In town and thought we might meet for a drink and catch up. email me even if you just know Tony or how I can get in touch with him. Thanks. 

Want to see what ol' Tony Mitchell looks like? Of course you do. http://pdxmugshots.com/mug/anthony-boyd-mitchell-23. There you go. And I know where he is AND how you can get in touch with him, Lady With Terrible Judgement. Everyone does. HE'S IN FUCKING JAIL. Says it right there on the website. GO VISIT HIM IN FUCKING JAIL. You're welcome.

Freeze tag - m4w - 32 (Kenton)

The year was 1997, we were playing freeze tag. Please come back and unfreeze me. I want to live this life.

In no way real or a missed connection, but hilarious.

Smokin' Hot Chick w/tattoos in the Steam Room-beautiful - m4w - 29 ( SE McLoughlin Blvd Portland‎ )

I wasn't feeling ontop of my game and wow this smokin' hot chick just Came in the steam room with me and I thought she seemed like she could be awesome and maybe the coolest chick ever.... Idk.... I would be surprised if someone as classy as her would read this but who knows maybe someone reads it and points it out to her and if she remembers me and thought I was cute too then I would truly luv craigslist for the hook otherwise fuck craigslist....

If u r interested then email me and I will take u out for an amazing time!

"She could be awesome and maybe the coolest chick ever..." This guy is projecting a lot onto this girl. Dude, she wasn't really smoking hot. That was just steam. HI-YO! I need to take this shit show on the road with jokes like that! Anyway, he's an idiot with perhaps the best sign off ever. "I would truly luv craigslist for the hook otherwise fuck craigslist...." Ha! "Oh, man! If you could help me that would be so awesome. You can't? FUCK YOU THEN."

A million to one long shot - m4w (Salem/portland)

OK, I know this is a long shot, but what the hell, I've got nothing to lose. In July of 2012 I saw the musician Paul Thorn play at one of the McMinnimans in Portland. You were the beautiful young lady with light brown hair (a touch of red maybe) wearing a white dress, off the shoulder with a flower print and cowboy boots. During one song you went to the front of the stage and began dancing. You waved me over and we danced to a couple of songs then you returned to your friends. After the show I approached you but just then a guy walked up and started talking to you. It looked like you were there together. He was short, dark black hair, mustache/goatee, and wearing a grey suit. We said hi and how much we enjoyed the show while waiting to meet Paul, your companion kept his eye on you. I just wanted to say that was the most fun I'd had in years and I'd love the chance to talk to you, buy you a drink or lunch, and talk. Paul's band is performing in Salem this July and I'm looking forward to seeing them play again. 

Jesus Christ on a unicycle. What in the F is wrong with people? I'm seriously asking. It's not just the staggering amount of detail this turd poured into this post, although it's fucking criminal. It's the fact that it has been 9 months and he's still holding out hope. Human beings have been conceived and born in the time it took this guy to get enough courage (or be desperate enough) to post a missed connection. MOVE ON. A million to one long shot? No. That would be running on the assumption that there's even the tiniest of chances this will not only be seen by the girl, but that she'll respond. I have a better chance of accidentally meeting this girl...on a plane...that goes off course...and somehow ends up on the moon where we live out the rest of our lives on the airline's peanuts and we start our own moon culture and discover that there are actually beings who live on the moon called "Moonites" or "Moonies" and they miraculously speak English and also enjoy the musical stylings of Paul fucking Thorn. Rant over.

So there we go. Thanks for the memories, Portland. I hope all my readers don't stay frozen...live this life.