The Legend of Randy

How goes it? It's a rhetorical question. I know that you're doing "good" or "fine" or whatever. Shut up. I have a story to tell you. It's about the coolest apartment manager that ever graced the face of the planet.

My roommate and I are moving. While searching we got a lot of answering machines. But one man had the fortitude to answer when we called. This man is named Randy.We arranged a time to meet. He was late. He apologized.

Randy: Sorry, I'm late. I was playing chess.

Me: Did you win?

Randy: He beat my ass. Do you know who Jim Brown is?

Inside My Brain: Uh...the greatest running back to ever play professional football, greatest lacrosse player ever and actor in such movies as the Dirty Dozen and Any Given Sunday?

Me: Yeah, I know who Jim Brown is.

Randy: That's who I was playing. He's an old golfing buddy of mine.

He's a nice guy. A very cool, African American gentleman in his mid-60's. He showed us the apartment and we liked it (and him). So he took us to his apartment to get the applications. We walk in and immediately smell something sweet in the air, almost like incense. There's leopard and tiger print every where. On the wall hangs a velvet painting of a man with an afro. There was soul music coming from the stereo in an apartment he HADN'T BEEN IN ALL DAY. So it must be assumed that this is how his apartment always is.

We go into the office (more tiger/leopard print) and he starts futzing with the applications. I look at the wall and there are pictures hanging.

Inside My Brain: Hey! That's Randy with Bill Cosby! Wait...no. That's Red Foxx. (look up at next picture) THAT'S Bill Cosby.

He had pictures with Louis Farrakahn, Sidney Poitier, Muhammad Ali and Eddie Murphy, but it's Eddie Murphy dressed in his princely get-up from Coming To America.

Turns out Randy worked security on movies and for stars back in the 70's and 80's and is exactly 100,000 times cooler than we can ever hope to be.

I've been telling this story to friends for about a week. But now there's an added part. I took the first month's rent to him and he rolls up in this amazing old car. It looked about like this:

White walls and all. He pulls up, windows down, SOUL MUSIC PLAYING.


Me: That's a really nice car.

Randy: Yeah. I've had it for about 40 years. Bought it from Jack Palance in 1975 for $600.

OF COURSE YOU FUCKING DID. I'm not even surprised. Because you're Randy; the coolest person on the planet.

We're moving in at the end of the week. Hopefully more updates to come.

Heartbeat Props

What a St. Patrick's Day that was! There was drinking and much revelry, making it not much different than any other weekend because I'M AWESOME AT LIFE. In honor of St. Patrick's Day I'm bagging on missed connections from that magical city where they dye the river green. Did you say Boston? No, that would make more sense. I picked Chicago...

You are gorgeous, and polish - m4w (Smoke zone)

I was in smoke zone tonight and you were working. We were talking as you were about to vacum. You said you weren't from here and that you were polish. I told you that I was also polish. I asked you if you spoke polish and you said yes. You are so gorgeous! Your beauty left me at a loss for words. I highly doubt a woman with your beauty is single. Or if you will see this. If you do see this I would love to take you out and get to know you. If you see this tell me what I bought or what I have tattooed on my arms so I know it's you. Damn your hot!!!!!!! 

First, SMOKE ZONE. Second, this is going to be a grammar rant, because FUCK IT. Grammar point 1) Capitalize Polish. Because when you don't I think you're talking about polish. I understand what you mean, but do me this kindness. And as far as a woman who is beautiful being single is concerned, I'll tell you what my brother always tells me: "No matter how beautiful a woman is, somewhere, someone is sick of her shit." So keep that in mind, Bro-mancing the Stone. Grammar point 2) Your. You're. It makes a difference. It really does. Because "Damn you're hot!!!!!!!" is an expression of how hot this lady is. "Damn your hot!!!!!!!" tells us that you're cursing her hot. Like her hot killed your dog. 

CALIFORNIA/MILWAUKEE GROCERY STORE - m4w - 35 (BUCKTOWN)

Hi! my name is Rene Conteras , i was shoping at the spanish grocery store for some dinner items and you were doing your own shopping you are blond with short hair i was wareing a stripe blue white and black shirt we kinda kept running into each other in the store i really wanted to talk to you and ask you your name but i was to shy to ask , i just want you to know you are the most adoreable being i have ever seen , my name is Rene i would very much like to make your aqantence, it would make me so happy to here from you . 

 

Look how thoughtful this mother fucker looks. LOOK AT IT. Is he about to recite poetry? Maybe stun you with his theories on modern art? Oh, wait. No. I just reread his typo riddled post and he's an idiot. He also says he's from "Bucktown" which I can only assume is another typo.(Fucktown, people. If I have to explain all my jokes, this will take all day.) He has so many typos, I'm doubting he spelled his name correctly. He put a period at the end. He put a fucking period at the end. God's speed, you fucking dunce.

 

My God....Whats wrong with me :( - w4m

I'm so infatuated with you and your such a jerk. I need to kick myself in the ass and wake the hell up.

Bitch, this ain't facebook. You're supposed to type obscure shit, but it's supposed to be obscure AND desperate. Get with the program.

Tom, we met for breast play - w4m - 25 (crystal lake)

We met at the train station. I think you are 36-38. Do you remember me? I'd really like to get in touch with you! Please email me back! 

"I'd really like to get in touch with you!" Hahahahaha. Oh, man. You get it? BREAST PLAY?!?! TOUCH?!?! Ha. Why would he go back to the same udder twice? He got what he wanted the first time you met. 

Until next we meet. Stay happy and remember, Rene Conteras is somehwere thinkin' 'bout you.

Fool Get a Clue

Whoa! A weekend post? This might tear a hole in space-time, but I think it's worth the risk. And even if it's not and it DOES tear a hole in space time, who's going to be around to complain. Certainly not me. And certainly not me. So here are your missed connections, New Orleans. Let's make it spicy.

I fixed your bike chain uptown around halloween - m4w - 24 (uptown )

This is a long shot but i'm going to try anyway. Last year maybe a day or so before halloween I was uptown around the way from some bar the blue moon? The blue nile? Anyway, I was fixing to get on my motorcycle when I saw you (very drunk) sitting on a stoop to my right trying to fix your bike chain. I went over to you and offered to fix your chain, and I did. You were a little drunk you asked if I could share a cigarette with you and I gave you one. I really thought you were cute but I didn't say anything because I didn't think you would remember. If your out there, i'd like to talk to you and maybe get to know you. 

Let's Encyclopedia Brown this mother fucker. First, you're talking about Halloween or there about, which is approximately 1 million days ago, give or take. And you start with "this is a long shot." This is why the phrase NO SHIT was invented. For this exact occasion. No other reason. Then you continue on, giving such precise details as "I have no idea what bar this was nearby". Congrats, both a Blue Moon and Blue Nile exist in the chocolate city. You note she was very drunk, although you revise it to "a little drunk" later. Icing on the cake: at the time, you didn't say anything because you didn't think she'd remember, YET, 27,000 days later you offer up this flaccid piece of garbage in the hopes that she will. Then you finish big with "maybe get to know you." The case is solved. You're an asshole.

Drunken Misery - w4w - 29 (deep lez of course)

You: Tall, dark, professional power lesbian in progress on spring escape from misery.
Me: Tall, trashed, burlesque academic in a little black dress asking all the wrong questions & getting to you in all the right ways.

Sorry I screamed and ran away from you. What I meant to say was: Hey, wanna go canoeing tomorrow?
Truly.
I was too drunk for a drunken hook up in that dirty bathroom. The line was too long anyway.

Meet me in Columbus for the queer burlesque festival Fierce? I'll wear dangerous gowns and you'll be perfectly dapper and we'll smear glitter all over each other all weekend long.  

Did you read all of that? Because you didn't have to. All you needed to read was the one line I underlined and the story is told. "Sorry I screamed and ran away from you." Not a day goes by that I don't scream and run away from someone when what I meant to do as ask them something like "Hey, wanna go canoeing/spelunking/oyster diving/antiquing tomorrow?" It's the bane of my existence. 

Walking down the street - m4w - 40 (Bucktown)

You were walking up the street heading from the levee. You had a black tights on. I couldn't help but to notice you and as I passed you up you smiled and said hi! Your eyes and smile are etched into my head. If for some reason you ever read this, I would love to know if you really noticed me and saw what color truck I was driving. 

So this guy wants to get in touch with the lady that carved her face into his head. I'm guessing with some dull piece of metal, but maybe it was an awl or a screwdriver or something. I think everyone should respond to this guy and say "Yes, I noticed you, because I acknowledged your existence with a 'hi!'. Your truck was black." Because that's all he really wants. To know he's been seen and that his truck is the proper color.

While our dogs play we can... - m4w - 30 (LGD )

You walk your dog every day and we have talked before in passing. You have dark hair and are very beautiful. We are both attached but you only live once right? Let that not be the reason on why we can't have some human play time ;) reply with a pic and the type of dog I have if you think its you.  

Doooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooouche bag.

Have a safe and happy St. Patty's Day! Be sure to scream and run away from someone so they know you like them! 

Freaks of the Industry

I recently had a friend in town from New York. Someone told him he has nice skin to which I instantly said "Don't pay him a compliment! You don't know him!" He talked about his nice skin for the rest of the trip. In honor of his visit, the missed connections featured today are coming from none other than the city that never sleeps. (That's a thing people say about New York City, right? Or is it Massapequa?) Hopefully they're as exciting as the ones here in LA. If not as exciting, certainly more expensive.

We met at HealthSmart - w4m - 22 (Midtown East)

I know this is crazy but...
We talked for a minute at HealthSmart on 36th.
You ordered a green juice and we talked about how all of the choices were great.
I ended up choosing the same juice you got...
What did I call it the ultimate juice.. a "..."

This gets me every time. What's crazy here? That you're posting? Because I don't think that's crazy at all. If you genuinely connected with someone and had this deep moving experience then you should... Oh. What's that? I see. So you chatted up a person at a juice bar. Uh huh. Talked about the most mundane bullshit minutia possible. Oh! You chose the same juice! YES IT'S FUCKING CRAZY. But it's crazy for the same reason most of these are crazy. Not because you're posting and holding out hope, but because you're hoping to reconnect something that was never there. Oof...downer. 

Blue Dress - m4w - 42 (Madison Park)

You were sitting on a park bench wearing a blue dress that looked like it was meant for a much warmer day. You looked beautiful and pouty. I imagined that I might be the one to tame you...to make you grateful for my gaze, my touch...

I'd love to see you again. 

Okay. Starting off well here. Talking about the dress. That's good. Don't understand the comment on it but keep going. "Beautiful and pouty", good, paying a compliment, sort of. Go on. You "might be the one to tame her"....O...K...It's kind of going off the rails here. "to make you grateful for my gaze, my touch" Aaaaaand, you lost her. Full stop. You need to finish strong. Love to see her again...alright. You...uh...no. This is a prime example of what a slippery slope these things are. See how easily it can go from missed connection to Unsolved Mysteries segment?

You were SMOKING outside the bar... - m4w - 35 (NYC)

You were smoking outside the bar... We made eye contact but I couldn't stop watching you smoke. You looked very sexy holding your cigarette, taking a long, deep, cheek hallowing inhale, followed by a long, slow smokey exhale.

You were enjoying the moment, away from your friends, enjoying the cigarette. I think you noticed me watching you smoke...

I would love to buy you more cigarettes... If this is you, please write me back...

When I saw the title of the post I was full on expecting some diatribe. "You were SMOKING, you bitch!" But this was so much better/worse. This is a good example of how you can START your missed connection as a Unsolved Mysteries segment and end with a murder suicide. He was definitely masturbating while writing this post, if not while he watched her smoke. "I would love to buy you more cigarettes..." Two words: Biggest. Oral. Fixation. Ever.

you in the orange jacket with suitcase on 1 train - w4m (Chelsea)

you're asian. you have a kickass haircut. i saw you look at me but i was too shy to look back. i was standing by the door in a brown jacket. what are the chances you will see this? :)  

I was laughing as I was reading the headline because I pictured someone shouting it to someone as they ran away. "You! In the orange jacket! With suitcase!" Then they just relate facts about them back to them. "You're asian.You have a kickass haircut" Uh, DUH. He knows this. "What are the chances you will see this?" And now you want him to do math. Why? Because he's asian? You make me sick...

M train, You asked, "Does this go to 4th street?" - w4m - 23 (Myrtle?)

Okay....

So, I felt like you and I could've been pretty good friends. You had big blue eyes and a green hat and poofy jacket I think, I had big green eyes and short brown hair (it was wet from the rain). You came from the other side and asked me, "Does this train go to 4th street?" and I said, "I sure hope so!" Well, after that I was scared to talk to you. We made eye contact on the train and would smile occasionally at each other with the sounds that the train was making. I was going to ask you for a drink, instead I got off at my stupid stop (Broadway-Layfayette) for absolutely nothing. I waved good bye to you and for whatever reason it was so sad. So I ended up going to 4th street and I obviously didn't find you. Chances are quite slim. Well, if you see this.... It'll be crazy. But it may be neato bajeato and we could go get that drink that I was going to ask you about!

B.

Ha. Yeah, you guys would have been amazing friends. I mean, based on the insane amount (And I mean that) of detail here, I feel like you really would have hit it off. He has eyes, a hat, a jacket and can speak; the foundation of all good relationships. "I sure hope so!" I feel desperate just reading that. Here's your problem, B (Can I call you B?): if he finds this, it WILL be crazy, but not as crazy as the vibe you're putting out. I, being an unrepentant sexist (Our father who art in heaven. Am I right, fellas?), thought that only men posting on craigslist missed connections could get the crazy output this high, but I have been proven sexistly (Sexily? Fuck it) wrong. To think, he probably singled her out to ask her about the train because he felt safe. Now he's going to find a boiling rabbit in his over-priced apartment. 

Happy humpday, everyone.  Smoke 'em if you got 'em.

Intermission

I decided to use Seattle for my missed connections fun today. I did this for 3 reasons; I don't know that much about Seattle, logic dictates that rainy weather creates more missed connections and I don't know that much about Seattle.

Sexy girl at work. Name starts with N. - m4w (Bellevue)

I see you every day and just want to pull down your tight jeans and bend you over. We make eye contact often, its very sexual.

You wore black jeans and a white shirt today. Let me know if your interested by replying with what color shirt I wore. 

Now I'm not saying that other missed connections aren't pointless, because, por lo general, they are. But this is so goddamn pointless it's making my brain hurt. You work with this person. You see them EVERYDAY. So this connection isn't missed, you're just a lame ass who can't sack up and tell the girl you work with that you want to rape her at work.

Vodka Girl at Patrick Stewart Panel - m4w - 22 (Comicon)

You came and sat beside me in the hall before Patrick Stewart's panel. You were a little tipsy and even offered me some vodka. Then we went into the panel together with your friend (boyfriend?)
Anyway, I'm glad you decided to talk to me. It was fun hanging out with you for that little bit (even though the minions wouldn't dance). I'm sorry I had to leave right after the panel and didn't say bye. 

It might just be my imagination, but I can't help picturing this guy just plumbing the depths of nerdiness. Not just because he's talking about a Patrick Stewart panel at Comicon. That would be assumptive and rude and I'm neither of those things stupid asshole who is reading this right now. It's the way he writes and seems genuinely excited that a drunk girl sat next to him and talked to him. And when people put the "boyfriend?" tag in there, it makes me sad. Because I know they're thinking it was but REALLY hoping it wasn't. Anyway, my nerdy friend, forget about her. Vodka Girl doesn't remember you and probably sadder still, she doesn't remember the awesome Patrick Stewart panel.

To the girl who used to give me blowjobs all the time - m4w (Ballard)

I miss you! I wish you'd never met that stupid boyfriend of yours. He ruined everything. Let me know when you dump him! I am waiting patiently ;)

Ha! Hahahahahaha....oh....ha. Oh, man. Hahahahaha. Okay....ha. Alright. That's hilarious. 

Met you at goodwill 6th ave - m4w

I spoke with you at goodwill today and you are from alaska.... Would like to see you again.

And the response:

re; i met you at goodwill - m4w

yah we talked. but i have a boy friend im a needle junkie meth and herion so you really want nothing to do with me im a mess my name is jamie 

You see that? What was their exchange at goodwill that enticed this guy? What could they have talked about that made him blind to that fact that she though she had spiders under her skin? Because I hope to fucking god I could spot a meth and heroin junkie. And really, she could have left it at "I have a boyfriend." She could have done that. That was a sufficient rebuff. Or, she could also tell him that she's a junkie and he should want nothing to do with her messy ass. She could do that.

See you on the flip side and have a good one. Make it so.

Lettuce in the Club

Today, on the 1st of March, I'm learning to be less judgmental. As a wise man once said, before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you DO criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. Today's missed connections go out to all my Miami peeps. Bask in the glory that is your city...

LA Fitness, CG - m4w - 3 (33ave & CW )

I hate to say it but..., I watch you. I can't help myself, it's actually very annoying. I find you to be so attractive, me and all the other guys in the gym I'm sure. But it's not only the way you look that appeals to me, it's watching you work out. You look great and you're not there messing around, you know what you're doing and you do it all well, with form and precision. Then it's how I see you come off. Even though you're not there chit-chatting with people you're also open to those who approach you and not hesitant to approach others; and it's the way you speak to people.... You just come off , I don't know, how can I put it, very down to Earth in spite of anything I guess I'd say.

I often find myself so close to you, less than 5 feet. And no, I'm not following you around that gym, you always appear near me. Have I simply been that lucky? lol

I've seen you so many times and have even come to learn when I might expect you to arrive on a given day. Yet, I find that even though I've been close enough to study the smooth texture of your shoulders that I have not found a moment to stop at say hi. Why? Several reasons, starting with the fact that I suspect you're not older than 25 making me considerably older than you. Add the intimidation factor on top of everything else and.. Well, you know..

You always wear a tank-top fitting shirt, that exposes your shoulders and, therefore, the tattoo you have on your back closer to your right shoulder. You always pick up your dark brown hair and wear tights. 

Sorry about the length (that's what she said....ew) of the post, but it's pure gold. If you didn't read the whole thing, you're missing out. At the Creep Olympics, this guy would be pulling down all 10's and John Waterses, And here's a thing, if you hate to say something, especially a long stalker thing, then don't fucking say it. This guy is trying SO HARD to not sound like a stalker. By "so hard" I of course mean not at all because he says things like "I've been close enough to study the smooth texture of your shoulders." What I really like is the description at then end. That girls works out at MY gym. I'll introduce you!

So you like to watch? - m4w - 50 (broward)

You pulled up along side of me while I was masterbating. You had a big smile, We pulled over and you parked next to me while I finished. You seem to enjoy it. Smiled and pulled away. I would love to do this again. Tell me where we pulled into. Know this is a long shot but you never know. If anyone is curious send me an email. Private and safe. No exchange needed. Any age, looks and rac not important. Love to do this....  

Wait...what? Is this guy jerking off and fucking DRIVING?!? I should send this guy an e-mail because I'm curious as to why he's driving and pulling his pud. Why do it while you're driving? The logistics! The LOGISTICS! Won't someone think about the logistics?!?! I will never understand this world in which we live. He then goes on to tell this lady that he likes that she watched him and wants to do it again. You know with her, or literally ANYBODY ELSE. "Any age, looks and rac (sic) not important." Brilliant.

Revolotion/Dark Star Orchestra - w4m

Adam-talked at the concert, I had to move through the venue to connect with friends. If you can tell me who I was there with, email before 6 p.m. Wednesday 

"email before 6 p.m. Wednesday" This was posted at 1 a.m. Wednesday morning. I guess this girl's biological clock is attached to a bomb.

Looking for Rick Ortiz - w4m - 34 (Miami)

Ok, I met you the other night in Homestead. I can't get you out of my mind. We had such chemistry and such passion, it was out of this world. That shaved head, that trimmed beard, that outrageous smile, your charisma, that charm had my panties soaked. All of my friends were wanting you to. I know this is a long shot, but I heard it works sometimes. I'm Jackie, we talked and laughed the other night at Karaoke in Downtown Homestead. I'm a brunette, petite, green eyes, and about 5'8. Tell me what I was wearing, and what I did with your drink. I hope this finds you, and I hope you answer me, cause it seems like I'm not the only one looking for you, your a hot commodity, I just wish we would've exchanged numbers.

Rick. Fucking. Ortiz. You smarmy mother fucker. He'll charm the pants off of you, ladies! "Tell me what I was wearing..." I hope she was wearing a denim skort and she shoved his drink up her ass. Because that's how Rick Fucking Ortiz rolls. He trims his beard, he gets panties wet and he drives women to the point where they'll put jack and cokes up their asses.

Have a good weekend, folks. Be sure to disarm those biological womb bombs.