Metric Ton of Bullshit

I don't normally do political posts, so I won't do one here. Unless we're talking about the politics of people being assholes about the English system of measurement vs. the Metric system. Then this is SUPER political, but also you need to take a step back and look up what exactly "politics" means.

Anyway, I was reading the Handy Physics Answer Book the other day and I came across an interesting little blurb about how the length of a meter is determined. It went a little something like this (emphasis is mine and I cut out the boring non-point-making bullshit):

"The meter was originally defined as the distance between two lines on a bar of platinum-iridium

alloy, 1/10,000,000th the distance from the North Pole to the equator. However, the bar was deemed inaccurate because it would expand and contract depending on it's temperature.

In 1960, scientists determined that light would be a better method of measuring a meter...the meter was defined as the distance of 1,650,763.73 wavelengths of reddish-orange light emitted by the krypton-86 isotope...changed again in 1983 as the distance light travels in a vacuum in 1/299,792,458th of a second."

So here's my problem. Much is made about the fact that 1 foot is a measurement originally based off of the length of the king's actual foot. And people will go on to say that it's dumb that there are 5280 feet in a mile. They say it's nonsense. "Why not measure things in finger lengths or the distance of squirrel taint?" Here's my problem with that: eat my shit. 

If you want to go on about how the metric system is easier to use because it's powers of ten, then fine. You keep being a lazy dill hole and use your powers of ten. (Although some argue that powers of 12 are better) I'm not going to argue with that. Not that it matters because rare is the occasion when someone says "How far is it to ______? Oh, 30 miles? How many feet is that?"

But that's not the argument people default to. The argument is usually "What an arbitrary system of measurement! It doesn't make any sense." Yeah, there's nothing arbitrary about the distance light travels in a vacuum in 1/299,792,458th of a second. Or the wavelength from reddish-orange light emitted by Superman-86 isotope (red light! his weakness!). So get off your high horse, metric system aficionados.

And don't come at me with "At least the length of a meter is based in science, blah blah blah." That's bullshit and you know it, dick holster. I say a man's foot is scientific too.

And do NOT get me started on the kilogram...

The Legend of Fred Horn

Well look who came crawling back. Welcome!

I posted a missed connection blog on Monday and within it was a gem of a post by this man:

As I said in my post on Monday, there's no need to watch that entire NINE MINUTE LONG video. However, I'd be remiss if I didn't point out the shittiest faux sax playing at :46 (and throughout), the expectant looks at 1:40 and the incredible fist pumping at 2:30.

What's my point here? I have three main points here:

Point 1) The fact that this is a person that exists is in and of itself pretty amazing. I mean, think about all of the shit our universe went through to get to this exact point in human history and evolution and this is the by product. That's pretty amazing.

Point b) This guy is PROUD about the way he is. Warts and all. And trust me, 10 years banging porn stars who basically have blenders for vaginas, the guy has warts.

Point MOST IMPORTANT) Through my wiling away the hours looking at videos of this human paraquat, I made a discovery. This guy, this mother fucking sexy sax playing man, plays at the Oyster House which is directly across from where I live. When people enter and leave the restaurant I can hear the music in my apartment.  This means I've probably heard the dulcet tones that this walking petri dish was putting out. I've heard this guy blowing horn, man! Furthermore, I go to the Oyster House all the time which probably means I've seen or even spoken to this douche canoe. Leading me to the furthest point, which is only confirmed with each passing day:

The world is a small, weird, wonderful place that gets smaller and weirder everyday.

Boom!

Cyber Teeth Tigers

What is the haps in Internet town, my people? It's Monday and I think we all like to start off the week with a nice healthy breakfast, a positive attitude and laughing at people who post things on Craigslist missed connections.

To my neighbor - m4w (los angeles)

I see you and yo see me every once in a while i want to talk to you but can't build up the nerves to lol  

What did this accomplish? Hmmm? This is like a fart in a hurricane. The only reason I noticed it is because I'm a nice sensitive person who takes the time to read everything on the internet. But I'm glad you can laugh about your cowardice! HAHAHAHAHAHA.

BBQ from Lenny - m4w - 31 - 31

BBQ

I luh bad bitches, thas my fuckn problem
N singin' Tattoo 2 u - stupid song came true
bunch a songs came true now
and a book
we never made it to marfa
i miss u n wish i could change all this with my mind

love,
kokiri 

 

This is the sweetest thing anyone has ever written to BBQ. Maybe not anyone, but certainly from Lenny. "I luh bad bitches" More like you "luh" shitty grammar, ass-hat. "bunch of songs..." I can't stop laughing at this. What does that mean? Bunch of songs came true now? AND a book? What the fuck does that MEAN?!? Which songs? What one particular book? Please don't let it be The Stand. That book sucked. "I miss u..." I think we all wish we could change things with our minds. I'd change the ending of Die Hard 2. Wait...yes. Die Hard 2, I'm right. How can anyone NOT love Kokiri?

redhead in ralphs with daughter - m4w (koreatown)

 you were in ralphs with your daughter on saturday. I think shes your daugther. you had on gray sweat pants. You are cute! I would like to get to know you if you are single! Or just be friends

Here's my impression of this guy, "I'm going to make a statement about you and then hedge my bet immediately. I love your unflattering pants! I want a relationship with you, of any kind!" Pretty spot on, right? Now here's my Walken...But seriously, sweat pants? Why mention the sweat pants? And you can't put an exclamation point on "if you are single" and then blandly put "Or Just be friends" at the end. We call that a cop out. Like that movie with Bruce Willis and Tracey Jordan. It's a craigslist missed connection. Even anonymously you're a pussy. Redhead doesn't go for that. She needs someone strong for her and her possible daughter. Sack up!

And now, the CROWN FUCKING JEWEL:

hot sex with hot sax player - m4w - 49 (northridge ca / csun) - 49

avail to host tonite if soon otherwise sunday afternoon or nite , or possibly during the week- my place or yours
check me out on you tube- 30 videos-"fred horn" have been porn photographer for 10 years up to 2006, and produced and performed in
porn videos.

I can blow some horn and serenade you if you desire.Also can show you how to play keyboards , sax ,flute ,drums to break the ice. 

So holy shit. First things first: click on "fred horn" up there. Do it. This is all lost if you don't. This is a real live person who real live exists and real live plays the sax. You don't have to watch all of it, but sweet christ it is a treat. Oh, man. I'm laugh-crying. When I saw the headline, I didn't realize this was someone describing themselves as a hot sax player. (All I can think of is this.) He can blow some horn, man! Some sweet sexy horn, blown all over you! Not comfortable on his velour couch yet?  He'll mix you a vodka Red Bull and show you how to play keyboards, sax, flute or even the drums! He can do it all, man! (Surely not all 4!) What kind of man is this? The kind that drives a '73 Charger, real sexy slow through a sexy parking lot. The kind of man that takes pride in his decade long porn photography/performance career. Sign me the fuck up for some sexy sax classes with this smooth mother fucker. He has probably blown so much horn and gotten so much horn blown poon, you could fill a life boat on the Love Ship Sexy Sax. Is this my new favorite real live person? Yes, thank you.

And with that, I leave you for now. Don't cry. We'll always have Steady Fready...

The Danger Zone

I've missed all of you. Especially YOU. I just realized I never explained why the missed connections blogs have the titles they do. Bonus points if you can figure out how they're connected. Now add that to your total. Now subtract 10. Is this your card?

Randy Rogers Concert - w4m - 29 (Troubador) - 29

We two stepped at the Randy Rogers concert last night. I was with two friends and (perhaps unkindly) brushed you off. Sorry. Maybe you'll see this, and maybe we can grab a drink. I'm an attorney. You work in _______________ (fill in blank if it's you). -Kim

This really chaps my ass. I mean REALLY. The nerve of this girl. You know what Randy Rodgers Concert guy? You tell Kim to cram it up her ass. What a bitch. Besides, Craigslist apologies are the most empty kind; apart from blog apologies. Kim, can I talk to you over here for a sec? I'm sorry about calling you a bitch. I love the guessing game at the end, though. You work in...Los Angeles! a slaughter house! abortion jokes into every conversation!

Open your blinds - m4w (Nearby)

I need some cheap thrills of you :p still think you should find an excuse to come over or better yet have me over!!!

Jesus. On a scale from 1 to Creepy As Fuck, this rates a Stephen King. The location is "Nearby" for shit's sake! And three exclamation points? I see a big sappy cinematic ending in this guy's future. What a fucking creep. I'm sorry, creepy guy. 

in whole foodz you caught me staring at your breasts - m4w (west hollywood)

so i have to 'fess up; i also was taken by how great your ass looked in the yoga(?) pants you were wearing. you really are an incredibly hot woman, ya know? of course you know.

when you turned around and gave me that wry smile, you gave me a sensation that i felt in the knuckles of my toes. i want that feeling back.. so in the off chance you see this, and you're willing to give it to me, then please write.

Who says romance is dead? Who? Was it you? It was you, wasn't it? You made a boo boo. The Boo Box. Ladies, does this work? The whole "I got that special feeling in my toe knuckles" come on? Fuck opening doors for you. Let's just go down to the whole foodz, buy some breadz together and have a breadz and cheeze party, am I rightz? Here's a guy who is so goddamn confident the only part of this he's slightly unsure about is whether or not the pants she was wearing were actually yoga pants. I'm sorry...yoga pantz.

Amoeba on 1/21 - m4w - 21 (Amoeba Hollywood) - 21

I saw you by the rock records and then again later on at the books section. You were very attractive! I should've told you in person though.

No shit.

At McDonald's - m4w - 29 (Santa Monica CA) - 29

You were siting all alone across from me Wearing Black Pants and a gray top.

You Sneezed and I said Bless You. You said thank you. I wish I would have gotten your name and number.

I was wearing Jeans and a White Polo Shirt.

Well if you see this id love to get together with you. 

Is there such a thing as being TOO optimistic? I say yes. But when love is blossoming at Mickey D's, what's a person to do? "I wish I would have..." This is why I make it a habit to respond to any sneeze with "You're hot. What's your name and number?" This ensures that you don't miss any opportunities. Is there such a thing as being TOO cynical? I say no. Sorry.

You have a safe and happy Wednesday and I'll see you when I see you. But only if you open your blinds.

Finding the Perfect Mate: The 4 Date Solution

I was recently hanging out with some friends and while talking discovered the perfect four date process to finding the person who is right for you. You may not agree with my methods, but once you've read them, analyzed them and come to grips with them, there will be no denying their effectiveness.

Date 1: Cut a Hole in the Box...Or a Dinner Date.

This is the first and easiest of the dates. Take the person out to dinner. Pick a nice restaurant, but not too nice. We don't want them thinking we're rich and this is the lifestyle they can expect, do we? Don't split the check. I can't emphasize this enough. Going dutch is equivalent to saying "I'm glad we both happened to be at this restaurant and we were seated together. Don't think about sex with me." Don't order for the person unless they can't read. If they can't read, order for them, but don't immediately go into your diatribe about modern literature and how prose is dead. Drink the exact right amount of alcohol. For some this will be a glass of wine, for others this will be all of the wine. ALL OF IT.

Date 2: Dinner and a Movie at Your Apartment

A bold step, I know. Inviting them into your house means you'll have to clean and take down your sex swing, but it also means you might get a chance to put the sex swing back up before the night is through. (WINK) This date allows for a more intimate setting and also for you to show off all those skills you've learned watching Chopped. Cook something fun. If you can, enlist their help. This will help make them more comfortable in your house. Keep conversation light. Maybe try working in something about sex swings. EAT THE DINNER. Delicious! The movie you pick is probably the most important part of the evening. This can be your litmus test for myriad things; The Big Lebowski - sense of humor, The Shining - are they a pussy?, Schindler's List - how do they feel about the Holocaust?, etc. If you want to go for the hat trick, watch a movie with a sex swing in it.

Date 3: Drinks and a Comedy Show

This is where you really get to know them. It's best not to go with light-hearted fare. You need something gritty or at the very least a little offensive. Something in the vein of UCB, iO or a live performance of Song of the South. If they can't handle a rape joke or two, or hilarious full frontal nudity, then how are they going to handle your house getting foreclosed on the the bank taking your kids away?

Date 4: The Most Crucial Date

This is it, folks. The most important date of your life. You will take everything you gleaned from Dates 1 - 3 and apply it here. The first part of this crucial, super crucial, date is doing whatever. Go to a movie, a museum; I don't really give a fuck. It's not important what you actually do on the date. But you have to have them stay the night. (If they don't want to sleep with you by Date 4, you need to unload that dead weight ASAP anyway.) So get them back to your place. They spend the night (sexy swing time?). This is the all important crucialistic part: while they're asleep in your bed after what I'm assuming was mediocre/amazing coitus, lazily dreaming about the breakfast you'll have them make for you... shit in the bed. Do it. Shit right there in the bed. Hopefully they'll wake up, but if they don't just give them a little nudge. There! Now they're awake! And what's this?!? You've shit the bed! Give them any excuse or no excuse and see how they react. If they don't immediately bolt/vomit/curse your name and the names of your unborn descendants then what you have on your hands is a bona fide keeper. They've passed the test.

Everything else can fall away. You can make it through anything. Congratulations on your new life together!

No Nose Job

So I was at a bar last night. Struck up a conversation with a guy who was, let's say, verbose. Nay, dude was downright chatty. My friend was bartending (She's a girl) and another patron left some bar nuts on the bar. Talky guy says, jokingly, "Put those nuts in your mouth." to my friend. Other bartender (He's a guy) tells him that's not cool and then tells him to apologize. Guy doesn't apologize, things get heated and chatty mother fucker gets kicked out of the bar.

The point of this story is, don't leave uneaten bar nuts on the bar. Second point is sometimes people narrowly miss a real connection and I like to make fun of that.

MWM SEEKING TRIO - m4w - 50 (WEST COVINA) - 50

shhhhh privacy please
no one needs to know but us
NSA relationship
great at oral love to please woman
you must be able to host - home or hotel
drug and disease free
no drama no games no web site come ons
age race not importanmt
interested drop me a line
include a photo and a note about you
photo gets photo 

Aaaaahhh. I cant stop giggling. "shhhhh privacy please" Shhhhhhhhhhhh. This makes me feel like everything that follows is whispered. And that "NSA" means National Security Administration. "great at oral love to please woman" I mean COME ON. How can you doubt this guy's oral skills (or skillz)? He doesn't even care about your age race! This guy is a fucking CATCH.

LA FITNESS WILSHIRE SKINNY BRUNETTE - m4w - 26 (LA FITNESS WILSHIRE) - 26

You were sitting on a machine and talking on the phone for like 15 minutes.
I was working out and then your friend came and you started training with him.
I looked at you but when i finished my training and wanted to talk to you you were with your friend.
If you realize who i am and you are single please send me back and lets see if we noticed each other.
Thank you. 

 

Thank you? I don't get this guy. If I had to guess, I'd say he has a personality disorder. And he's a furry. And he calls working out "training" which makes me think he has a furry personality disorder. Egh...my commentary sucks. I'll try harder on the next one.

 

long legs on the purple line wilshire/western - m4w (purple line)

You glanced at me a couple times, you had legs for miles, and tattoos all over them and you were wearing a brown hat and brown boots, 3 or 4 inches. Very attractive woman. I noticed you. You exited train at MacArthur Park. If you see this you will know who I am..

Tell me something that you remember about me. :-) 

 

I applaud this poster. His post is actually quite descriptive. So descriptive, in fact, that saying "I noticed you." is completely fucking asinine. Of course you fucking noticed her, you twat. You described her in a post on a forum meant to let people know that you noticed them. "If you see this..." There's always something foreboding when someone says you'll remember them, especially when they end it with an ellipsis.

If you went to Anime LA 2013.. - m4w - 25 - 25

If you went to Anime LA 2013 and couldn't make the Otaku Speed Dating event or didn't meet any good guys there, shoot me a message. ;)

Man, this guy is casting a wide fucking net. I'm going to start posting things like this. "If you were at Denny's last night and there were no keepers, hit me up!" WINK. "If you've ever taken a breath or thought about taking a breath and you haven't found your soul mate, drop me line." WINK. Anyway, I sure hope this guy finds his own personal Sailor Moon or Cowboy Bebop. 

Catch you on the flip-side my friends.

Midnite Snack

How was your weekend? Oh yeah? That sounds fun. Thanks for the invite. No, I had plans, but it's the thought that counts. MAYBE I AM AN ASSHOLE. Baby, let's not fight. Cool? Cool. Anyway, the weekend always means more people passing up golden opportunities that they'll regret for infinity, or at least until another opportunity goes to the same Ralphs as them.

Let's peruse their misery...

Beverly Hills Jury Duty - m4w - 26 (Beverly Hills)

Uggs. Beanie. Studying for your GRE. I'd like to see you again.

Sorry I didn't ask for your name/number.  

Oh, jury duty. So much love blossoms in those still hours, waiting to sentence someone to jail for manslaughter. "Uggs. Beanie." This describes no one and yet everyone, all at once. Profound. "Sorry I didn't ask..." Aw, man! Don't apologize for that. You just saved her from a boring date and probably terrible sex. She should be thanking you. You're a super hero!

Last Sunday at Vons - m4w - 59 (LaCrescenta)

Hi, My name is Steve. You walked by me at Vons. I was just wondering if you might be interested in a Handyman. I hope to see you again...same time...same place.
Foothill Blvd.

Hello, Steve! Is he giving anyone else the creeps? A Handyman? Is that code for a hand job? Because if he's looking for work as a handyman, missed connections is not the place. "...same time...same place." I don't understand. You never said what time you were at Vons. How is this person going to know when to be at Vons, Steve? HOW?!?

Yoshinoia - m4m (Atwater)

Your were cooking at Yoshinoia. I ordered and you said thanks from the kitchen...I left with my food and a semi...a full on would be hot!

For those that don't know, Yoshinoya (I don't know why they spelled it shitty-phonetically) is a terrible chain place that sells you diarrhea in a bowl. We've all had a crush on a Yoshinoya chef at some point in our lives, but you have to let that ship sail and forget about it. They're the modern equivalent of a Japanese emperor. You're lucky if you even see them. As far as this "semi" is concerned, I think everyone reading this has gotten a Yoshinoya boner before. When they hand you that steaming bowl of beef, you'd be inhuman NOT to get an erection. In fact, I believe Yoshinoya means "beefy bowl boner" in Japanese.

Gorgeous guy wearing a Cap at Hollywood thrift store - w4m (Goodwill at Vine and Lexington)

 Taking a chance to post here on Missed Connections. Day after Christmas, we walked pass each other in the Houseware section, and neither of us said Hello. It was too funny, I was carrying a couple of used lamp shades.

Can I just say you are really cute. If interested, tell me what I was wearing, and what time it was so I know that it is you.

"...wearing a Cap" Shut the fuck up. Just...shut up. "Taking a chance" You have taken nothing and risked less than nothing. Also, posting a missed connection 3 weeks later is the equivalent of betting on the Super Bowl in March. Shut up. "It was too funny." Can you imagine someone telling you this story? Try. For me. They're talking to you and they get to the funny part, and the funny part, the fucking punchline, is them walking through the aisle at Goodwill carrying a couple of used lampshades. HAHAHAHAHAHA! You get it? Their life is so bereft of joy that carrying lampshades is funny! You're boring, lady with shitty descriptive skills. "If interested..." How much information does she think people in Goodwill commit to memory? I barely remember what she wrote at the beginning of this post. So, unless you were wearing a fucking diaper on your head and shouting "It's 3:15! It's 3:15!" I doubt he's going to remember any of that shit. Tell you what, gorgeous guy wearing a cap; if you're interested in lampshade lady, I have a better idea for you. Put on ankle weights and walk into the Pacific Ocean.

See you next post! Same time...same place.

Purplebrainhurrycanehabit

Has it been a week already? No. No, it hasn't. But it has been long enough that I felt like delving into some more missed connections. We'll call it a Craigslist week. Like a New York minute or a Cocke, Tennessee hour. Without further ado...

Sylvia from LA.. music talks - m4w - 30 (Vancouver to LA)

Hey there,

Hoping someone could help me out here...
Looking for a gal named Sylvia, Last name i won't post for privacy issues but starts with an "R".
What I know from her is that she deals with Vintage art and was recently here in Vancouver BC for business.
anyways, you came into my work, had some seafood and oysters...we talked about EDM music and exchanged some songs.. good chats and good vibes. Not looking for more than friends or anything like that! 

 you were just cool and I'd like to keep in contact with you...
so anyways if anyone could help me out, here I am and please send me some info if you know of her... Again her name is Sylvia R.

Foxes - Youth - Adventure Club Dubmix

C 

I'm pulling for this guy, because from what I gathered from his desperate attempt to reconnect with this girl, he's hanging by a thread. "Last name..." Here are the vitals: he knows her first name, last name and where she lives. I'm going to go out on a limb and assume she wasn't wearing a burqa which means he probably knows what she looks like. And he was able to post something on Craigslist, so he knows that the internet exists. Short of hiring a private detective I think he's fucked here. No way to find her. Ever. "...seafood and oysters...we talked..." The phrasing here makes it seem as though she just wandered in with a sack full of seafood and oysters and then started chatting him up about Calvin Harris or Madeon or Bobby McFerrin. Whoever the kids are listening to these days. And this is the real cherry on the cake: "Not looking for more than friends...". Well, ho-ly shit. This is what I'm talking about. If he doesn't find this girl I see a spiral of depression in his future. "Foxes - Youth - Adventure Club Dubmix" I'm going to pretend that all of those are his hobbies.

DONE WAITING [ GET READY ] (SHOCK TOP)

well I have something to tell you it a new year and I have to get on with life you see life is short it doesnt last as long as we want it to and there are things I have to do before my life is over the first thing is I have to be with you I have to be your man you have to be my lady we have to be one working together as a team a gang of two blood in blood out you know this and so do I but if this is not what you want then you need to stay away from me becouse I am going to do every thing I can to make this happen it will happen i know this just letting you know that iam done messing around no more games life is not a game this is real so get ready here i come 

Life IS short. Too short for punctuation or a single coherent thought. Getting past the rapey vibe flying off this whole post, I think deep down this person really cares for the other person/thing that this message was intended for. "blood in blood out" And when I'm reaching out to someone, I always make sure to reference at least one early 90's movie with Benjamin Bratt in it. (Although it's usually Demolition Man) "...becouse" Oooooo! Pas francais! "...so get ready here I come" Yeah...rapey.

Bed bath & beyond.. We talked in line - w4m - 23 (Bed bath and beyond, Santa Monica )

Well here goes nothing... First off your a babe and I'm painfully shy. We were talking in line after some guy got extremely concerned I was trying to cut. You and I laughed it off and you said you could tell I was a line cutter. When you left you said bye and I didn't really know what to do. Chances of you reading this are slim to none but I would love to see you again. Tell me what you bought so I can tell its you.

 Well here goes nothing... You fucking summed it up right there, didn't you, lady? "...some guy got..." I'd like to see what this extreme concern looked like. Because my guess is he said "You're not cutting in line, are you?" and that was the end of it. Did he wring his hands and cry a little/a lot? Whatever. "...I didn't really know what to do." Hopefully you said "bye" in response and then moved on with your life oh wait you didn't because here we are. People often do this. The "I was unsure what to say" or "didn't know how to respond". Is being a person so difficult? Is it actually that hard to just respond to stimuli in your environment? I'm really asking here, because if it is I've never noticed and don't want to miss any opportunity to seem like a super-human because I can say "bye" to someone attractive. "Tell me what you bought..." It was a Brita or picture frames. If it wasn't a Brita or picture frames then he's an odds on favorite for being married, in a serious relationship or gay. No single straight man has ever gone to Bed, Bath and Beyond for anything other than these two things. Think I'm being unfair? FUCK YOU.

Check back next week for more fun! Didn't have fun? Check out my other project: I hate you.

The Bitter Truth About the Cracker Barrel

I have a confession. This post isn't about the Cracker Barrel. I guess I have two confessions. This post isn't about the Cracker Barrel AND I have a deep abiding love for curse words. I know what you're thinking. Shit. Three confessions; this post isn't about the Cracker Barrel, I have a deep abiding love for curse words and I can read minds.

WARNING: If you take offense to foul language, you should go no further. And you should reconsider our friendship.

So why do I love curse words so much? Just look at them. Asshole. (I'm not calling YOU an asshole. Or I am.) It's so basic. It's talking about the hole that is in your ass. Like it's just this cavern that goes on forever. It spawns great drawings like this:

Asshole. Asscavern. Asspit. Asschasm. 

Or the phrase "shit for brains". When said to, or screamed at, someone, you're implying that their head is filled with shit and this is what they're making all their decisions with. Their head is literally filled with shit. What's not fun about that?

Dick wad. Dick weed. Dick Tracy. There's a richness in all of these. They're concise. Crisp even. They can convey a range of complex emotions in a short amount of time. When someone does something shitty, you don't want to spend five minutes explaining that you're disappointed and that they're a shitbag for doing whatever they did (probably leaving the seat up, am I right ladies?). You just say "Fuck you, shitbag!" and you're on your way!

A well placed "fuck" is always going to be funny to me. Here's an example: "Great. I ate KFC and now I have dia-fucking-rrhea." Without that little interjection, this is a sad sentence about a medical condition. With it, however, you now have a sentence that can launch 1000 sitcoms.

So embrace these words; celebrate these wonderful words. And if you continued reading beyond my warning and were in any way offended, I'm really fucking sorry.

Blind Mice

For the uninitiated, Craigslist is an online classified ad. Being such, it's home to a lot of great deals and interesting finds. A guy even made a movie called "Craigslist Joe" where he tried to live for a year off the kindness of people from Craigslist. Don't ask me how it ends. I haven't seen it. For all I know the mother fucker died and they found his footage and made a movie.

My point is, anything and everything can be found on Craigslist. Not the least of which are desperate people trying so hard to make a connection. Whether it's a guy looking for a threesome with a 12 toed tranny and a homunculus or someone who saw someone at the train station and never said hello. But it's the latter group that I enjoy lancing, because COME. THE FUCK. ON.

I do the underlining for emphasis. My commentary follows in red.

But I've said too much (or not enough). Let's delve into this world...

Larchmont Deli -- wed 1/9 - w4m

This will never work. But... why not :)
You were a tall, attractive fella in Larchmont Deli at the lunch today (wednesday).
I (girl in red shoes) should have told ya so. 

So first things first. This happens a lot and I will never cease to bag on it. People posting will write, right out of the gate, "This won't work". Of course it won't work, but you're already defeating the purpose of your post. If you're going to jump in, go head first. Don't write it off before you can be crushed by the massive failure. "...tall, attractive fella..." You just described me and half of the LA Clippers. But I think I've met this guy. He's the one who breaths air and sometimes wears clothes outside of the house. "girl in red shoes" Sweet, salty shit. He didn't notice your shoes.

Paco's Thursday night trivia - m4w - 48 (Arcadia)

You have 10 days ! Can I share some with you. ? I was on your right! You are a breath of fresh air! 

"You have 10 days!" Man, this is either really sad or really ominous. Clock's ticking, bitch. Better head back to Paco's! "Can I share some with you. ?" Look, dude, the lady only has 10 days left, either because she's dying or you're going to kill her. Don't be hassling her for her days like they're french fries.

sexy ass young dude lookin for a older women - m4w - 22 (LA )

im young and just tryin to have fun i want a older women that i can have fun with i was hopin for a women around 23-30 hit me up any time

 

I, uh...goddamn it. A couple of things. Thing 1) this isn't technically a missed connection. Thing 2) I didn't underline anything because it's ALL PURE GOLD. He's just trying to have fun with older women he can have fun with fun fun fun. And this brilliant, just astonishingly brilliant, 22 year old has put the range of "older women" at 23 - 30. Semantically, these women would be older than 22; HOWEVER, I think that's more the letter of the law and less the spirit of the law, you know? I certainly hope he was hit up and they had a magical 48 hours with that $300 he's brandishing.

Islands Restaurant Server with glasses - m4w - 28 (Glendale)

 New Years day i was at islands in Glendale near the mall. I was eating at the bar area with some friends and you were sitting at the corner of the bar in your islands uniform eating. It looked like you were eating before getting off your shift..This was around 4-6 p.m

You were the only worker i saw wearing GLASSES and you had brunette hair. I really hope that you or someone you know reads this so i can have a chance to say hi and let you know how beautiful you are. 

I can be a real callous bastard from time to time, but when I read something like this, it really gets to me. I mean, how can you not feel, DEEPLY FEEL, for a guy who's just trying to get in touch with a girl and all he knows about her is WHAT SHE FUCKING LOOKS LIKE AND WHERE SHE FUCKING WORKS. She's the only one with glasses, so it should be pretty easy to suss that out. I think I have the solution for this guy: ritual suicide.

Come back next week (or sooner) when the fun continues!

Dumpster Party!

A long time ago in a far off land called "MySpace" I would write from time to time. What I wrote about varied, but what I really enjoyed doing was looking up Craigslist Missed Connections and poking fun at them. Because 99% of the time they were...they were just pathetic. And it was fun. And funny. And funtastic. So after a long hiatus, I'm bringing it back.

Welcome to Dumpster Party! 

It will be everything that the name implies.

Missed Connections won't be the only thing I'll be posting about. I also enjoy looking at the Craigslist Personals and commenting on life "por lo general". But the Missed Connections will be a weekly feature. So you have to come back at least once a week, right? RIGHT?!?!

 Comments are welcome. Criticisms will be taken with a grain of salt. Haters can cram it up their ass.

Enjoy!