This racism is killing me inside!

Hello, friends. I haven't written a blog in a while. And the truth is, it's because I've been lazy. It's so much easier to NOT write a blog entry then it is to write one. I apologize, but sometimes something sticks in my craw and I have to write about it. And I apologize up front for my ranting.

Yesterday, Rick Reilly wrote an article about why the need for the Redskins name change is not so simple or offensive as it may seem. You can read the article here:

http://espn.go.com/nfl/story/_/id/9689220/redskins-name-change-not-easy-sounds

His argument is tenuous at best. He argues that a lot of people don't find the name offensive, including Native Americans, so why change it. Or "try explaining it to kids who don't get it." Maybe almost entirely wiping them off of the globe wasn't enough. And he argues about other team names and how attached people are to them. As if team pride were the most important thing. I could go on and on about why Rick Reilly is an idiot, but this is merely a jumping off point. This article is just skimming the surface of what I feel is the problem with racism in this country.

I noticed he wouldn't even type the word "nigger." Or it was redacted. So he or someone else finds at least one word offensive enough to not even write it, but hey, not enough disenfranchised people find "redskin" offensive. It's just not offensive enough to our collective consciousness.

And I get that. I really do.

If the Redskins change their name or they don't, it's all fine. The world won't stop turning. But this is part of the root issue. My problem isn't even with his shitty defense of what was and is a derogatory term for Native American people. My problem is the side-stepping. The "Certain words are not fit to print, but this PC culture is killing us." People that complain about PC culture the most are usually the people who think the 1950's were a golden age. They want to go back to a time when no one was offended by anything. Oh, by the way, that time never existed. The offended people just didn't have a voice. I'm reminded of this interview with Samuel L. Jackson:

We're afraid of words. To even say them. That interviewer wouldn't even utter the word "nigger" in an intellectual context. He would probably have less trouble saying "faggot" or "spic" or "towel-head". And this is the problem. We've made certain words taboo while other words, that in my mind are equally offensive, are said just because the stigma isn't there. I cringe when people say "the N-word" because it doesn't make sense to me.

What am I getting at?

We're avoiding an honest discussion and what it means to be racist, and more importantly a bigot, in this country. Always. It's easier.

People casually say "That driver must be Asian" if the person is driving poorly. Or they'll say they must be a woman. Hell, I'm guilty of this. It's racist. Or misogynistic. These are facts. People like to side-step their racism. I do it all the time. I pretend it's all joking, but there are deeper mechanisms at work. We adhere to stereotypes because it makes us feel safer and we can sleep at night knowing we're good people because that's just the way it is when the truth is we're ALL racists and bigots. We try our hardest. Most of us try to be good people and judge only on other peoples' character, but we fail.

And that's okay. It really is. It's going to happen. The world's not perfect. We're not perfect.

But we need to try to move past it and not let it rule us. We need to try to get better and I feel the side-stepping is slowing us down. We need to reject our weakness and learn from it and improve. We're hurting progress because we keep thinking "That's someone else doing that. That's not me." If I had a nickel for every time I've heard someone utter something that belittles another race, sex or minority and then wash it away with "I have lots of women/gay/black friends" I'd be a goddamn millionaire.We gloss over it because, man, racists populate trailer parks and are ignorant assholes and that's not us. We're middle class working folks and we care about equality!

And we do.

I know I do. I care about everyone getting their fair shake. And I try, I TRY SO HARD, to not judge people based on stereotypes and what I've heard and how society views them. And 98% of the time, my rational mind wins out. My brain rights the ship and I can rest easy. But that 2% is always lurking; waiting to judge. Some sick, compulsive need to judge. And I honestly don't know what to do about it. I console myself with thoughts about how I'm open minded and liberal and NO H8 and affirmative action is great and I love the ACLU and up with the little guy.

But that 2% keeps gnawing at me.

Gay Weddings For All!

We did it! We got 5 out of 9 people to accept homosexuality, sort of! We all deserve a hearty pat on the back. Let's all start planning our gay weddings!

All joking aside, I'm thrilled for all of my LGBT friends and family, and even the people I don't know. This is huge.

To celebrate, I jingle jangled my way to the Salt Lake City, Utah missed connections on Craigslist to see what some truly depraved people were up to.

hey you there - m4w - 40 (River Bottom) 

I have extensive experience shoveling horse shit. If this interests you, hit me up, holla back gurl.

We should have crossed paths earlier and I dropped the ball, just so I could post here, but I was traveling to a horse shit convention at the time. I thought I would give it a shot anyways.

You know what's better than cryptic inside jokes between friends? Cryptic inside jokes between strangers on Craigslist missed connections. You know what's better than that? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. I was going to start questioning why a person would even bother posting this, but then here I am commenting on it and what not and then begins the introspection that we're all familiar with that just leads us to the bottom of a bottle. I'll just skip all that and concede that this person is a human brown-eye.

your chocolate 4 my vanilla - w4m - 38 (flying j slc)

You work at the Slc flyingj you came over to me and sorta flirted with me, it made my panties wet, my husband tried to find you to say you could if he could watch, let me know if you want too. This was Sunday morning

If I had a dime for every time a woman's husband told me I could nail her if he got to watch while in a Flying J, I'd have 5 dimes and a Kennedy half dollar and be the richest person inside the Flying J. Have you ever been to a Flying J? Straight out of the 70's:

It's like a shitter with a candy aisle. What a leap in the hooking up process we witnessed. They went from "sort of flirting" to "bang me while my husband watch-cries in the corner" in the span of 1 "it made my panties wet". That's gotta be some sort of record, even for a Flying J.

We had amazing sex back in February - w4m - 19 (West Jordan)

We hooked up twice and had great sex earlier this year. I lost your email and haven't been able to find you since. You were 28, 6'2 and had tattoos. If you want to hook up again with me reply with a pic and tell me the color of my hair and body type.

There's a lot of subjectivity in there. What if said tattooed 28 year old guy sees this, but he only remembers the sex as "OK" or "damp"? You will have missed each other because of the fact that you were amazed by the sex and he thought he was fucking a wet pillow. And for your body type, what if he sees you as a pear and you see yourself as an apple? Once again, true love will have fallen to the wayside. Here's my advice: never post anything on the internet again.

Cessily? Cecelia? In front of the pie hole. - m4w - 32

Friday night in front of the pie hole. You commented on my bike. I let you sit on it and I took a picture of you with your phone. You were wearing a light sleeveless top, and light skirt. You are very attractive. I should have asked you to text me the pic! (cause then I would have your number) But I make a habit of never asking for a girls numbers at a bar because it seems so cliche. But then again we were outside... So shoulda, coulda, woulda. Now I am posting here.

Never done this before, but heard of it working. So email me the pic I took of you. Or tell me about the bike or any other accessory you remember.

This guy is hilarious. He's very insistent on saying "the pie hole" which is obviously a restaurant, but COME THE FUCK ON. That's funny. He goes on to regale us with their meet cute EXCEPT he didn't get her number. And why didn't he get her number? Because he "[makes] a habit of never asking for a girls number at a bar because it seems so cliche." Buuuuuullllshiiiiiiiit. You have tiny little hamster balls. That's why you don't ask for their numbers. So stop lying to yourself and for fuck's sake, stop lying to us. We were on your side until you tried to sail that horse shit past us. (I was never on his side. He's clearly a dipshit) "Now I'm posting here." And that sums it up, doesn't it? And now he's posting here. 

That's it from Salt Lake City. Three cheers for equality! And four cheers for the Flying J!

The British are coming!

Where did the time go? We're almost at the summer solstice and my chakra has yet to align with the waxing moon as it approaches Libra. If that last sentence sounded like bullshit, it's because it was. And if you take offense because you believe in that stuff, tough shit. Tough shit for you and your bullshit beliefs. You probably also believe in fate like all the people that post on Craigslist missed connections and I WEEP FOR OUR FUTURE.

Today I'm peeping Boston to see how their crazies deal with missed connections. Not well, my friends...not well. Enjoy hearing all the posts in a Boston accent in your head.

sweetheart - w4m - 21

you work at one of my favorite bars. maybe i'm making the whole connection up in my head...because i don't doubt that you flirt a little with all your female customers since that's part of the whole bartender package.

but i feel a vibe there. i get the sense that despite your job and tattoos and all the other things that mark you a 'bad boy' or an 'alt' type...you're just sweet and a little awkward. which i like.

if nothing else, i enjoy our chats and the special concoctions you make for me.

We've all been there. The "I'm getting the feeling this bartender is in to me" vibe. It's going to happen. Their job is to try and be nice and personable to every person they come into contact with so they can maximize their tips and also because most bartenders are normal, personable people. So we can all understand why this idiot is getting that vibe, right? What I don't understand is her "bad boy" stereotyping. I thought tattoos meant someone likes tattoos. Hell, I once saw a biker with "Fuck Cops" tattooed on the back of his head and he was on his way to a prayer meeting. And what are these "other things" that make him a bad boy? The spike studded choker? The flippant way he says "You're Welcome"? Anyway, stop crushing on the bartender.

Comcast guy pissing in his van - m4m (Somerville)

You were parked on a busy street and standing next to your van with the doors open. You were looking around so nervously you had to have been taking a piss...or something else. That was bold, man.  

What's the end game, here? Do you want to meet up with the van pisser? Or did you just want to put it out into the universe that you saw a guy pissing/jerking it in his van? Either way, thanks for wasting my time. He could have been nervous for any number of reasons, which I will now list:

Reason 1) His penis was caught in his zipper and he JUST noticed.

Reason 2) He was on his phone making an illegal insider trade on some stocks.

Reason 3) He was stuffing cable into his pants, because goddamn it he's going to steal all the cable he can from Comcast while this sweet-ass gig is going on.

Reason 4) He was pissing.

Reason 5) He was jerking off.

My dog walking neighbor - m4w - 54 (Raynham)

You've been by a couple of times this week walking your dog. You looked so hot today. I would so much love for you to stop in and let me ravish that hot body of yours! I'd start by worshiping that gorgeous ass. Then I'd go wherever you wanted to take this.

Where's her dog while you're worshiping her ass, you inconsiderate prick? Figure out the dog situation, THEN we'll talk.

Sexy, fit, discreet builder makes housecalls - m4w - 39 (norwood-dedham)

Handsome and very professional.. I am great with my hands. What ever your needs, I will fix them right!!

What happens when a sexy handyman dressed in Levi's and work boots comes to address some maintenance needs of a sensual scantily-clad lady? It starts with flirting and smiles, and moves to more suggestive innuendos of interest.. hearts beat faster with anticipation of what might become, then the line is crossed as he leans in, and kisses her. She is shocked, scared, and yet also excited.. she is nervous, but needing of his touch. How will she respond?

Very discrete (yes, married) and experienced builder will come to consult you on any home repair or renovation issue you have. No pressure.. I will follow your lead. Safe (latex condoms) play only... ultra discreet.. maybe a one-time meeting.. no expectations other than secrecy. Let's chat, exchange pics, and get to know each other a bit.. and see if you might need my services!

Ha! Oh, lord, that middle part is hilarious. Save it for Penthouse Forum, you fucking lech! Hooo, what a shit bag. "yes, married" A woman can only DREAM that her husband sums up their marriage so succinctly. What's great is if someone calls him JUST for a consultation on their leaky sink. Imagine the stupid look on his fucking face when it's a man and wife answering the door and they just want to know about putting an island in their kitchen. Or someone exchanges pics. His is a picture in sexy overalls; theirs is of their cabinets they want to refinish. Can you see the look on his stupid dumb fuck face? HA! This is going to carry me to the weekend.

I hope you enjoyed our little getaway to Boston. Go out this weekend and get some sun. No one likes a pale ass to worship.

Fathers and the Like

It's Father's Day on Sunday. The parental holidays don't carry much water with me. I appreciate my parents. Point of fact; they're great and I love them to death. I just don't cotton to a big celebration, but that's just me.Or maybe I just hate buying cards/gifts.

My father just had knee surgery. I told my mother to tell him that we were going to race next time I'm in town. I also told her to tell him that we were going to have a lightsaber duel and that I was going to chop off his new robotic hand. He said he's Darth Vader and he would chop off MY robotic hand. I had to inform him that my grandfather is Darth Vader, he's Luke and I'm Han Solo. Because Han is the cool one.

All of this is to say, be sure to call/write/telegram your fathers on Sunday to let them know how you feel. Whether it's to tell them how much you love and appreciate them, or it's to tell them you hate their guts for fucking up your soapbox derby race when you were 7.

That being said, here are a few Craigslist missed connections from good ol' Los Angeles.

adorable man at Cyndi Lauper concert - m4m - 43 (Greek theater)

I was the adorable, athletic, single, ddf, well hung gay Jewish man at the Cyndi Lauper concert last night, there with a gal pal. Great teeth. Pretty green eyes. No one hit on me. It's not too late.

Whoa! This caught me off guard. This is a reversed missed connection that isn't a missed connection at all. No one hit on the dude. He seems to be insulted. I mean, by his own admission, he's single, ADORABLE, well hung AND Jewish. He also really likes his eyes and thinks his teeth are great. Why did no one hit on this conceded asshole?!? WHY?!?!?!?! HE'S SO ADORABLE AND CONCEDED AND SHIT. HIT ON HIM. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

Hotness at whole foods on coldwater - m4w - 28 (Sherman oaks)

You were wearing a loose fitting dress that barely covered your gorgeous body and succulent tits while you pretended to read ingredients on rice or cous cous or whatever. I was doing the same thing trying to find a particular product. You had dark long hair and looked gorgeous. Would love to hang out with you some time.

This guy could make a nymphomaniac blush. Such poetry he writes! "You pretended to read..." It's like he's implying that she wasn't actually reading. And to me, that comes across like he's saying she CAN'T read. But with succulent tits like that, who has time for reading. Then he says he was doing the same thing. So I imagine him in a loose fitting dress pretending to read ingredients on rice or cous cous or WHATEVER. Aren't the ingredients in rice...uh....rice? Same with cous cous? Anyway, we're not here to talk about food. We're here to discuss this suave cock-master and how suave he is in his cock-mastery. "Would love to hang out with you some time." What the fuck is that? Don't hold back, bro! Tell her in your best harlequin novel speak how you'll rail her in the pasta aisle while she acts like she's checking the ripeness of a cantalope. 

Guy in the car - w4m - 18 (Pacific Coast Highway)

I was standing at the light as you came to stop. You looked over at me then held up your phone with a picture on it as you smiled. I didn't see what the picture was and I don't recognize you, but you seemed to have recognized me...
Who are you?

 

Jesus, you're dumb. Guy in the car? nice description. Please don't be a witness of my murder (It's going to happen. You don't live this long and be this awesome without making enemies). "Yeah, he was a guy with a body. And then he shot that person. And then he ran in a North-southernly direction." Anyway, I've solved this mystery, dumbass. The guy in the car is this guy:

 

No? Then it's this guy in a car:

Still no? Well that's all I got, dumb shit.

 

Happy Father's Day to all you fathers out there or as I like to think of you; mother fuckers! But seriously, Happy Father's Day.

Desert Emotions Make the Best Emotions

My friends, it is a great day and I'm glad you stopped by. My enemies, YOU WILL PAY WITH YOUR BLOOD. Anyway, I popped over to the Phoenix Craigslist missed connections page to see how they get down in the desert. I can say, with all confidence, that unlike the band of the same name, they do not disappoint.

Person named "Spiffy" ??? - w4m - 2323 (MesaTempeChandler)

Does anyone know a guy named "Spiffy" around 28 to 30, yet doesn't appear that old. Brown hair and eyes, 5'10" ish, 160lbs.

Lost track last year. If anyone knows him direct him to this post.

Nice try, bounty hunter. You lost track of him, YOU FUCKING FIND HIM. But seriously, how non-descript can one person be? Only a nickname to go on, brown hair, brown eyes, 5' 10"-ish, 160 pounds and they are AROUND 28 to 30 although you'd never guess it to look at them. You just described Montana. So yeah, go look in Montana. If Spiffy isn't there, check in West Virginia.

U SELL MASSAGE DEVICE - m4m - 30 (FASHION SQUARE MALL)

I want to deep throat you... Interested?? Can be discrete... I luv to run into you in the mall during my lunch break... give me a sign. I'm very interested. I work by u...

So, I gotta ask...is saying "I want to deep throat you" something that works? Ever? It's pretty forward, in my eyes. But hey, what do I know? Malls are weird, confusing places. Maybe this shit flies at Fashion Square Mall. It sounds like he's telling him what to do when he puts "U SELL MASSAGE DEVICE." As if it's an order. "Do it! Sell massage device! Sell now!" 

BUSCO AMIGAS TENGO CURIOSIDAD - w4w

BUSCO AMIGAS ENTRE 25 Y 35 PARA
TEXTEAR SER AMIGAS Y TALVEZ CONOCERNOS MAS

MANDAME TU FOTO PLATICAME ALGO DE TI


SOLO MUJERES

NOOOO... HOMBRES
NOOOO..... TRIO

Everyone get that? Let me help you with my Spanish knowledge. This a a woman looking for curious friends. She wants friends to text and to get to know better. You send your photo and tell her something about yourself. ONLY WOMEN. NOOOOOOOOOO MEN. NOOOOOO THREESOMES. I can almost hear her saying "No men." Nooooooooooooooooo. 

TWO GIRLS IN BURGER KING PARKING LOT NEEDING MONEY TO EAT - m4w (Burger King peoria or glendale)

You were a blonde and a brunette looking for money to feed your kids....you approached my vehicle as I was going through the drive thru and sitting to park to eat. This was last summer to fall time span. I would like to see you both again. If you reply, tell me what I gave you for money that day and if you remember the color of the car I was driving. I am not sure if we were on Peoria or Glendale avenues......I think you were shocked I gave you money and left. You were both small women. If anyone might know of two girls that walk this area frequently together, pass the word this posting is here. You didnt look like the drug addict type just going through hard luck.

Can we take a minute? Just one minute to discuss this guy, please. Okay. Who THE FUCK is this person? "I would like to see you again"? Quite some time ago he gave money to two women who looked like they were down on their luck and he just can't stop thinking about them. It's mind boggling. Does he sit there talking to his friends: 

"You know who I was thinking about the other day?" 

"Oh shit. Not this again."

"Yeah. This again. Those two desperate women who were begging for change to feed their kids."

"That was almost a year ago."

"I know, but I can't stop thinking about them. They didn't look like drug addicts."

"They were probably drug addicts."

"Yeah, but they were really attractive and I feel like we'll have a lot in common."

"Both of them? You want to hook up with both of them?"

"...Well....yeah. They're desperate."

That sums it up for Phoenix. Now go, my children! Go and sell massage device! GO!

I Work From Home, Bitch

Hey there. You look nice today. A nice button up and some very professional looking slacks. I assume by your attire that you work in an office or at the very least you leave the house to work.

I don't.

I'm one of those cursed/lucky few who work from home. Don't get me wrong (you already got me all wrong, baby), I love working from home. No driving to work, no pants at work and midday nap time make a very interesting life for me. But I've discovered a few things that you might be interested to know. Oh, you're not interested? Then quit reading my blog, asshole. This is as interesting as I get.

Sorry about that. I didn't mean you're ACTUALLY an asshole. (Except for Frank. That guy can eat shit and die.) And yes, I know The Oatmeal did this before me. But mine are different.

My whole point is I'm privy to another side of life that some of you can only dream (stop that) about. None of these (except the first one) are good or bad. They just are. Let's go over my list together and see how we feel afterwards:

Item 1) They pick up trash in the middle of the day and make as much fucking noise as possible. I never knew that trash day was every day that ends in "Y" but it must be, because they're always at my complex; clanging shit around like the shittiest/best drum circle that has ever existed. And they take their sweet-ass time. This doesn't really disturb my work, per say, but holy sweet mother of basura it is obnoxious. There are also more fires/accidents/whatever creates firetruck ambulance noise during the day than you could ever imagine.

Item 2) Everyone you talk to thinks working at home is great. Even if they have a great job that they love. If I talked to a billionaire CEO of an ass and titties conglomerate (Titshire Assaway?) and told him I worked from home, he would envy me in some small way. Which I get. But I don't get.

Item 3) I've stopped understanding why people won't hang out with me until 3 AM.

Item 4) I'll go to the store at 5 PM and realize that the cashier is the first human interaction I've had all day. This may not sound strange, but most of the time, unless I'm talking to myself (NO JUDGING) I go large spans without hearing my voice. And I looooooove my voice.

Item 5) Movie channels play straight crap during the day. I've seen Red Tails/Lake Placid/La Dolce Vita exactly 1000 times since starting my work-from-home adventure. Yeah, I could watch the stuff on my DVR, but Red Tails is right there in my face. Besides, I've already seen all the Gomer Pile episodes and F-Troop from when I stayed home "sick" as a kid.

That pretty much sums up my experience. Working from home is like staying home in the middle of the day as a kid. Happy Tuesday, worker bees/SUCKERS.

There Goes My Gun

Aloha. You people are so lucky. Yeah, I said you people. What of it? Why am I so confrontational, asks no one in particular? Because I've been reading through the missed connections from Oahu and the people there are either the most polite or the most disturbed people posting on Craigslist ever. The dichotomy is making my brain hurt! But, please, read for yourself.

Female Dominant Likes Waxing - w4m (Mililani)

I am a profesional Fem Dom and I do body waxing hair removal also.
I think a hair free body is much sexier than a hairy mess. So do you or you wouldn't be reading this.
I have a salon and a Dungeon where I can do 1 or the other and I do not offer any sexual services.
I am a professional and I will wax you and make you sexy or I can make you My submissive, your choice.

I'm not going to pretend to be an expert on Dominatrices, because I did that once in Prague and now I can't go back there. That being said, dominating someone is sexual. Just because your not touching the guy's dick or shoving a riding crop up his ass doesn't mean one or both of you aren't getting off on it. Further more, WAXING. Holy shit. You want to talk about two sides of a coin, then this is your milieu. I can see how waxing feeds into BDSM type stuff, but this makes it sound like she's got a nice waxing operation set up, where if you ask the right questions you'll be ball-gagged and getting whipped. While also having that back hair taken care of. It's a strange world we live in.

A special connection - m4w - 30 (Ala Moana Mall)

I was taking a dump in the unisex restroom at the mall. And forgot to lock the door. You opened the door and said "O GOD!" and shut the door. But before you said O GOD! I felt like we had a special moment when our eyes meet. I hurried wiped. Pulled up my pants and washed my hands then opened the door. And you were gone. now the door to my heart is unlocked. If you read this, respond and mention something special that you saw so I'll know it's you.

Posted without comment.

parked next to me 2 days in a row - m4w - 33 (hawaii kai)

I dont even know ur name. You wore a black skirt today, and you looked oh so hot. We made eye contact and smiled. I wanted to ask you to lunch but you were with your coworker and i lost my nerve. I wish i had a name to go with your pretty face. Email me back saying something specific so i know its you, and maybe we can make some free time for each other...

This guy is a sad mess. He's all "hey, we parked next to each other two days in a row. It must be fate." and then at the end he says the, ever-so-romantic, "maybe we can make some free time for each other..." What a commitment. I would love to see the specific thing she emails him. "In kindergarten, Mrs. Hunkles was my teacher, and I shit my pants pretty hard during naptime." Pretty goddamn specific.

 

You waved...Twice - m4w - 55 (Waipio 7-11)

I was walking towards Costco and noticed you pumping gas. I thought you were gorgeous. You noticed me checking you out and waved. I would have stopped by to talk but there was a guy with you in the car (I'm hoping that was your father since if he wasn't, he should have been pumping the gas or you). As you drove past me, you waved again. I know this is a long shot, but I hope you see this, we get to know each other, and live happily ever after. I'm a pretty decent catch. :-) 

Two waves and this guy is already talking about being together forever. He's either crazy or crazy. My guess is crazy. And then his comment on chivalry in the middle of the paragraph there; very nice. I've noticed since the time of ever that everyone has an excuse for not talking to someone. I do the same shit (i.e. You were working and that's awkward) but it's a crock. Because I've broken every "if not for this" rule I've ever said quietly to myself while weeping myself to sleep. So stop lying to Craigslist, asshole. You didn't talk to her because you're a pussy. The end.

And that really is the end. If these didn't seem particularly disturbing, it's because I omitted the "To the Hot asian top that hit my g spot" posting. Hope everyone has a safe Thursday and an even safer weekend. MAHALO BITCHES.

Palace of the Brine

I just listened to the new Daft Punk album on Spotify and I gotta be honest; bit of a letdown. My one word review would be "yawn." Be sure to take that review with a grain of salt. While we're on the topic of yawning and salt, Pittsburgh! Don't see the connection? Would you say you "missed the connection"? See what I did there? MARVEL AT MY GENIUS. Anyway, Pittsburgh and farts and such.

You are a black; a Gentleman - w4m (SW-Pa)

We missed the connection...please try again
You must be single, non-smoker, age 55+ and ready to choose by answering this post.

If I didn't know better, I'd think this post was lifted from the internet in 1950. But I do know better. "You are a black." This person is just an ignorant moron. I like her list of things you must be, especially the little bit about being "ready to choose by answering this post." If I didn't know better, I'd think she was looking for a partner for her quest. Maybe to Shangri-La. But I do know better...

You and I spend a lot of time in Starbucks - m4w - 19 (Wexford Plaza)

We've both been in this particular Starbucks almost every day without fail for a month now, and I have yet to get the courage to say more to you than a simple "hello!". You're older than I am, I would guess mid-30's but I think you're older than you look. You're very petite, I'm not sure if you even break five feet tall, but you're short and sweet and very pretty. I'm sure that, living in Wexford, you're probably happily married with kids and would have no interest in a fling with someone young enough to be your son, but you fascinate me and I would like to get to know you. I'm, not to overly toot my own horn, one of the more distinctive and memorable patrons of this Starbucks. If you see this, send me an email with what I drive in the subject line! I'm sure it's ostentatious enough that you'd remember it, and the driver, well enough to figure out who I am.

Let me give you some advice, dickbag. (May I call you dickbag?) Women LOVE when you tell them, and then keep reminding them, that they're old. Older than you, at least. They eat that shit up. Also, there's a little trick to finding out if a woman is married that works 90% of the time. Look at her left hand. Is there a ring on her ring finger? Yes: married. No: not married or forgot to wear her ring that day/she's a slut. Or you could just ask. Older ladies (mid 30's SO OLD) like it when young guys express interest. Just don't forget to remind her that she's older while you do it. I'd hate to see you fail.

House Cleaning Days Inn - m4w - 37 (New Stanton Days Inn)

So I watched the three of you taking a smoke break out back...hot stuff..I spoke to two of you ladies. As you were getting off work...All three are smoking hot! If you're interested in learning more about me, hit me up. Tell me what you were doing when I told you you were hot..

This guy has the best fucking pillow talk. YOU SHOULD BE TAKING NOTES. Note 1) Call the women hot. Note 2) Make sure they fully understand how hot you think them to be. Note 3) And this is important: ask if they're interested in learning more about you. That way, when they respond (and we fucking know they will, you smarmy bastard) you can have the pamphlet ready with all your pertinent stats and rape ideas. I think we all know what they were doing when he told them they were hot; cringing in fear.

Nate Interstate Foodland - m4m - 30 (Washington County)

Nate Interstate Foodland would love to get together with you i think your smokin hot and would love to play if you see this and interested hit me up

I'm not typically a person that makes assumptions (You're right. I am, actually, but fuck you for bringing it up), but I'm going to have to assume this person wants to have hot, sweaty sex with Nate Interstate Foodland. I'm not sure what this "Nate Interstate Foodland" is, but a further assumption is that it's some sort of sentient supermarket that has taken the first name of Nate and the middle name of Interstate. I'm also not sure how it's going to respond to this post. If it overcame the obstacle of gaining sentience and had the wherewithal to give itself a name, then I'm sure it can overcome learning how to use the internet. I hope they meet up and live a long and healthy life together. Godspeed, building fucker.

That's a wrap from Pittsburgh, PA. I hope you enjoyed reading my responses as much as I hated sifting through the human detritus of Pittsburgh. P.S. You're smoking hot!

All over the World

Another week has passed. As a wise man once said "Time is the fire in which we burn." (Dr. Soran in Star Trek Generations said it) Speaking of burning, let's say we check in on some missed connections. Take that as you will; burning desires, burning crotches, etc. I perused the pages of Hartford, Connecticut to find la gente mas patetico, and I hit a vein of gold.

Phlebotomist - m4m (South Windsor)

Today (Thu) was the 2rd time you were my phlebotomist, we had really good convsersation. I just want to nail you every time Im there, what's my name and what are some of the things we talked about today

Decidedly fitting that this guy wants to nail the guy sticking him. For those not in the know, a phlebotomist is someone who draws your blood. (If you didn't know that, I'm sorry for pointing out your ignorance. But you deserve it.) Frankly I think that's too big a word for a missed connection. He could/should have said "Dude who took my blood." STOP TRYING TO IMPRESS EVERYONE.

Hot Girl Standing Outside... - m4w (Enfield)

I saw you outside your office this morning talking to someone and didn't want to interrupt. I think you noticed me, but not sure... If you are interested, tell me what color your shirt was so I know its you.

Hot...girl...standing...outside. Siiiiiiiiiiigh. He thinks she noticed him. After all, he was the person also standing outside. Eye-catching. What I like to imagine is that she writes him back and says "I was wearing the chartreuse shirt" and he ignores it because he thinks the shirt was more of an asparagus color. The connection stays missed and this man spends the rest of his life lamenting what could have been with the hot girl standing outside.

Beautiful redhead in the dodge interprid plate 821 SOA - m4w - 22 (7 eleven manchester)

I saw you walking in front of me and you held the door for me. Thank you. You have a very beautiful smile. To bad I was to shy to say something. If you see this, I'd like to try and get to know you over coffee or a drink

This guy is a level 35 creeper. He would put Quentin Tarantino on edge. "Hey, didn't have the guts to talk to you, so in lieu of that I WROTE DOWN YOUR LICENSE PLATE NUMBER." And then he went one step further; he posted the license plate number on a widely viewed public message board. I know license plate numbers aren't sacred or private, but come on, dude. That's going to scare away damn near anybody.

Sigh - m4w (Hartford)

We work together. I think you are beautiful, funny and interesting.
You will never know.
I can never tell you.

Well, thanks for telling all of us. I'm going to sit here and pretend that I wrote this to myself. Then I'm going to cry. (P.S. "Sigh"? FUCK YOU)

Lkg for the guy i blew/ fingered few wks back - m4m - 40 (Wethersfield)

Hey bro if u see this i remember u said tues u work from home.. Round 2? Up for fuckin me or gettn banged out? Free til noon

Hahahahahahahaha. These really make my day.

Books - m4w (CT)

Just watched Bridges Of Madison County.
It reminded me of you and your love life. I hope you are happy with your choices.  

Re: Books - w4m

Can you give another clue? Could be meant for me... Things are always not what they seem...  

This little exchange is so goddamn confusing. Confusing thing number 1 is that the subject is "Books" and then the person says "I just watched Bridges of Madison County." Confusing thing number 2 is that this woman thinks this might be for her. "Bridges" is about a woman who has an affair and this guy saying "I hope you are happy with your choices." is kind of damning. Why would you seek out a follow-up? Do people often actively seek out people that hate them? Confusing thing number 3 is "Things are always not what they seem." SHE JUST BROKE OPEN THE MATRIX, FOLKS. That sandwich you're eating that seems like a sandwich? NOT A SANDWICH. Forget your so-called reality, sheeple. YOU'VE BEEN LIED TO. Here's your follow up clue, lady: This guy can't tell the difference between books and movies so he probably didn't know he was on Craigslist.

 

Ah! Another satisfying conclusion. Have a great weekend. I hope we're all happy with our choices.

The Sad Punk

Did you know that if you try to synch Pan's Labyrinth with "Wish You Were Here" after a number of drinks it will sort of work? Of course you knew that. You're smart. That's what I like about you. You know what I don't like about you? Canada. I know it doesn't make sense, but neither does looking at missed connections from Vancouver. BUT I DID.

Mustang driving woman - m4w 

Talk about a good strong first impression. You looked like a fellow fitness buff, and I thought your hot pink top was well-,...hot. But of course never said so. I simply complimented you on your car which you mentioned was for sale. Beauty of a car. Can we get in touch to talk more? You have ...so 

This person is a master of suspense. What does she have? I mean, apart from a "beauty of a car", you super Canadian mother fucker. You should have pretended that you were interested in buying her car. Actually, you should have just said "You're beautiful. You don't have a boyfriend, do ya, ay?" Then you could have had sex in a forest of maple trees or something. GOD, I HATE CANADA.

Girl in green pants on lonsdale!!!!! - m4w - 33 (lonsdale)

I saw you today in a store on lonsdale You had green pants on and a cute piercing that i could see. Loved your style. Let me know if you see this!!!!!!!!!!

If the first 5 exclamation points didn't scare her away, the last 11 did. Hang it up, psycho.

Girl at phibbs with huuuuge tits - m4w - 25 (Phibbs exchange )

You were walking towards the station at 8:30. I noticed your fun bags were enormous. I'd like to bring you iced tea and worship your nipples. Sincerely, guy waiting at the cap u bus stop.

This made me laugh. A lot. You can almost hear the guy saying this. "I'd like to bring you iced tea and worship your nipples." This guy is a goddamn poet. He's one of the most honest posters I've ever seen on here. No innuendo. No "You had a great smile" or any nonsense like that. No. This guy tells it like it is. She has big tits and that is all he is interested in. DONE.

100 bus and epic novels. - w4m (22nd Street) 

You sat beside me on the bus today while I was reading the fourth novel of a particular series. We chatted, blah blah blah. Just last night I was thinking I wish I had someone to talk about the series with, since nobody I know loves them like I do.
If you are interested in finishing the series, or chatting about what you've read, OR watching the tv show on netflix and complaining about the differences - email me! I should have asked for your contact, but I was running extremely late and was sort of all over the place at the time.

Subject the email with what novel we were discussing so I know its you!

Join a book club, you stupid Canadian whore. Wow. I don't know where that came from. Let me try a different tact. SHUT UP.

You somke on your balcony - m4w - 38 (Pitt meadows) 

I see you smoke on your balcony ..I smoke on mine.. You are always on the phone... I made a comment on your boston jersey in the hallway one day.... I know its a long shot but..I sure would like to talk more. Tell me what you have on your balcony so I know its you!

Smoking and waiting!!!

"Smoking and waiting!!!" What are you waiting for? For her to move into your apartment so then you'll be forced to interact with her in person? Because it seems like she's already pretty much at your disposal for any kind of talking you want to do. Which, by the way, negates your "I know its a long shot" bullshit. The only long shot here is that you're not mentally retarded/Canadian. BOOYAH.

That's all folks. Don't forget to never go to Canada. Or if you do, attend a nipple worshiping or two.

Is She Weird

It has been far too long, kittens. To make it up to you, I wrote you a haiku:

Connections are missed,
People regret their sad lives,
Albuquerque sucks.

So I cruised the Albuquerque missed connections for this week's post. Really, I was just looking for a good meth dealer, but I had no such luck.

Sexy Waitress Padillas - m4w (ABQ)

I wanted to say hello to the pretty waitress at Padillas Resturant. I saw you on Wed. April 24th. You were wearing a blue shirt with the playboy design on the front. I liked your great smile. You are very pretty and have incredible breasts. You seemed very sweet. Lets talk.

Maybe it's because I'm listening to "Picture me Rolling" right now, but I'm in a good mood and feel like giving this guy a break. I mean, we've all been right where he's sitting, wanting to say "hello" to a pretty waitress and then not actually doing it in our shitty Craigslist post. This guy has his priorities, though. Priority #1) NICE TITS. Priority #2) "You seemed very sweet." Points for being pretty tactless there, but those points are immediately withdrawn because you live in Albuquerque.

Erica at Edge Fest 2013 - m4w - 37 (The Lawn)

You danced with me, screamed about tampons, and made my night with all of your silliness. You have a 14 y/o daughter that was not there with you, but her Bff was. You had a few too many, and I wasn't sure if there was real connection, or just the spirits talking.

There's a lot to like here. She has a 14 year old daughter's friend by her drunken side as she screams about tampons and dances with strange men. Let's see who the line-up was: The Killers, Cake, Bad Religion, Minus the Bear, Shiny Toy Guns, Middle Class Rut, Youngblood Hawke, IAMDYNAMITE and Jared & The Mill. Not a bad line-up if you like shitty music. (I'm just kidding. I love Cake and I love cake and I'm just being a grouchy bastard) What I'm not getting is why this guy is questioning their chemistry. He knows she can handle her booze and is a responsible parent, so why question the magic? Just roll with it! I see fun times in your future.

Alex at Dollar Store - w4m - 22 (Juan Tabo FD)

Hey Alex, I see you all the time, I come in with my mom and my son a lot.... We always talk about the "Bowl" and how it should be smoke time.... Never have the balls to say anything to you.... I have dark Hair and glasses..... You asked "Where's the (You fill in the blank!)?"

Definatley you should know who I am by that! So let's do it, HMU, let's blaze....
You're kind cute too :)

Wow. A pothead who can't find anyone to smoke with. She must be ugly as shit or boring as shit. That's too bad for her, said no one, ever. On a side note, this "HMU" acronym took me a hot minute to figure out. For those not in the know, it means "Hit Me Up" which I believe is a term the kids use these days to say "hit me back". Anyway, back to Turd Ferguson here. She doesn't have the balls to say anything other than "Man, I wish I was smoking weed right now"? Am I reading that right? What's left to say? Unless she means the "you're kind of cute" part is what she's having trouble saying. In which case, run Alex. Run as fast and as far as you can. Or lie and say you have a girlfriend. Or don't lie and actually have a girlfriend.

Kaboom Test Labs - m4w (heights)

I saw you at kaboom this past week, and haven't been able to get you off my mind. You seem like an awesome person to get to know, you're aslo very pretty and have a great smile. I was with two friends looking for some rare cards to complete my collection of the original pokemon trading card game. If you see this write back and maybe we can get to know eachother. 

Get to know each other? What's to get to know? You collect pokemon trading cards. THE END.

Boi-your name is... - w4m (buque) 

Boi- your name is Paine

Like eyes wide open, I am in complete disdain

You took me in a moment and now there is no fret, kissing you- teasing you; it's like a string quartet

You took me by surprise, all those many, many butterflies

My big mane you did not change but moved you were, strangely, in a new vein

Well, now that you know this, trust if I didn't inform you for I would be remiss

Relinquishing my inner thoughts took some time, so utterly met with pause, fraught and begrime

Never mind my fear (I hope that's clear) it's true you are to me, so very- very inhere

:) 

I started with a poem (Trust, it's a poem) so I figured I'd end with one. This girl, or should I say "gurl" is using some SAT words left and right; begrime, inhere, buque. All good words. I'm still not sure if he surprised her like a string quartet or if the teasing is like a string quartet. It doesn't REALLY matter, because this poem is shitty and neither answer makes sense. It's shittier and less sense making than the one I spent 20 seconds on at the top of the post (FUCK YOU, IT'S A POEM). And I guess it's good this guy didn't cut her hair (change her mane), but what did he do instead (in a new vein)? This reminds me of the terrible poems I wrote in high school for English class and stopped immediately after and have not written since and NO, you cannot read my diary and I'd appreciate it if you'd put down that worn composite notebook that says "March 2013 Poems" on the cover.

Thanks for the fun times, New Mexico. Disappointed there wasn't a Gale to Walter missed connection lurking, but you can only expect so much. TAMPONS!

Dig For Fire

How has your week been? If it's been anything like mine, then you're exhausted because you've been staying up late trying to figure out the perfect comeback to a "Yo Mamma so Fat" joke you heard in 1991. Let's all mosey over to Wyoming for this week's missed connections. Where in Wyoming, you ask? Doesn't matter. Because when you pick Wyoming on Craigslist, you get the Whole. Damn. State.

Girl working at McDonalds on Delrange and Ridge - m4w - 25 (Cheyenne)

This is a long shot but I'm looking for a brunette girl with a tattoo on her hand that works at the McDonals on DelRange and Ridge. I was in today at around 6 on 4/27 and ordered an ice cream come and two sundaes, I thought you were really hot. I'm married but would love to have some "fun". If you see this and are interested email me or text me 3O7 5O9 OO19 

I think this is the first time I've read missed connections and thought, "they live in a place devoid of humans, so they have a legitimate chance of running into each other." Idiot McDouche here seems to disagree. "ice cream come" Typo? Or well placed innuendo? YOU DECIDE. Or I'll decide for you. It's a typo. How do I know that? Because this stupid married asshole posted his telephone number on Craigslist for all 150 occupants of Wyoming to see. And no one that stupid could work innuendo into a post. And why is "fun" in quotes? Is he implying that him cheating on his wife with her will not be fun? Kudos, completely oblivious guy! 

zebra shorts - m4w - 32 (gillette)

hi there, we locked eyes and exchanged smiles at smiths about 630pm to 700pm on monday the 29th you where going in smiths i was leaving in a pewter or silver gmc 4door truck. I'd like to chat with you 

This made me want a pair of zebra shorts more than anything else in the world. Also, I gotta say, 30 minutes is a long time to maintain eye contact AND smile contact with a complete stranger. To each their own, I suppose. Dude calls his truck "pewter." Who does that? That shit is gray.

Mills Loaf n Jug - ww4m - 21 (Mills/Casper)

To the guy who paid for our snacks at Loaf n Jug: You made our entire night!!! I highly doubt you'd see this here but you left so fast we never had a chance to thank you. Consider yourself thanked. That was the coolest thing anyone has ever done. We will both make sure to pay it forward.

A post where someone is genuinely thankful for a kind act and just wanting to say thank you. It's refreshing. But more importantly, there's a fucking store called Loaf n Jug. Hahahaha. I can hear the goddamn banjos...

True (Cheyenne)

Until you do right by me everything you even think about will crumble. I don't know much but I know this much is true. How many strange dudes have you sucked off since we last spoke? How many lies have you told? The people closest to you have no idea who you really are. You lie to everyone. I hope you catch an std you whore!

Finally! Someone in Wyoming has a pulse. A little vitriol instead of "Walmart this." And "Kmart that." And "I'm married but let's 'hookup'." "I HOPE YOU CATCH AN STD YOU WHORE!" That is some Shakespearean shit. It feels like he's putting a gypsy curse on this lady. "Everything you even think about will crumble." I hope this bitch doesn't think about any bridges I drive on...

Well, Wyoming, you were kind of boring, and a little sad/cheaty. But you got the job done. Word to the wise: LOAF N JUG.

Here Comes Your Man

Is it Friday, yet? Oh...it is. Well then, we can dispense with the cliches and get down to business. I chose Portland, Oregon for today's missed connections. I was there once and it was beautiful. But this was pre-hipster take over. I haven't been back, but I'm assuming they ruined it. They ruin everything...

Young bank clerk-US Bank - m4w - 31 (wilsonville)

I stop in regularly (today included) and find you very attractive. Young, cute, outgoing with a bubbly personality. I'm sorry I don't remember your name..

I doubt you will see this...

I think your ass is amazing! The last time I came in you helped me out. I couldn't keep my eyes off of that sexy round ass you have. All I could think about is pulling up that sexy long green dress of yours and bending you over right then and there.

Maybe we could set up something soon...

Tell me what you were wearing today and what I was driving ;)

This guy M. Night Shamalamadingdonged the fuck out of me. He starts out so mild mannered. Then "I doubt you will see this..." Then he just goes OFF. It's akin to a 7 year old dropping an f-bomb the minute his parents leave the room. It's literally the next thing this douche-monger says after he admits the girl won't see it. Then he kicks it up a notch. And by "kicks it up a notch" I, of course, mean he gets the rapey vibe going. He apologizes for not remembering her name, yet nary an apology for drooling over her ass. "Tell me what you were wearing..." Was it a green dress? A sexy long green dress? And you were driving the Rape Mobile! Rape Man....AWAY!

Where is Tony Mitchell - w4m - 40 (SE PDX)

Lost touch with you, seen you on PDXMUGSHOTS. In town and thought we might meet for a drink and catch up. email me even if you just know Tony or how I can get in touch with him. Thanks. 

Want to see what ol' Tony Mitchell looks like? Of course you do. http://pdxmugshots.com/mug/anthony-boyd-mitchell-23. There you go. And I know where he is AND how you can get in touch with him, Lady With Terrible Judgement. Everyone does. HE'S IN FUCKING JAIL. Says it right there on the website. GO VISIT HIM IN FUCKING JAIL. You're welcome.

Freeze tag - m4w - 32 (Kenton)

The year was 1997, we were playing freeze tag. Please come back and unfreeze me. I want to live this life.

In no way real or a missed connection, but hilarious.

Smokin' Hot Chick w/tattoos in the Steam Room-beautiful - m4w - 29 ( SE McLoughlin Blvd Portland‎ )

I wasn't feeling ontop of my game and wow this smokin' hot chick just Came in the steam room with me and I thought she seemed like she could be awesome and maybe the coolest chick ever.... Idk.... I would be surprised if someone as classy as her would read this but who knows maybe someone reads it and points it out to her and if she remembers me and thought I was cute too then I would truly luv craigslist for the hook otherwise fuck craigslist....

If u r interested then email me and I will take u out for an amazing time!

"She could be awesome and maybe the coolest chick ever..." This guy is projecting a lot onto this girl. Dude, she wasn't really smoking hot. That was just steam. HI-YO! I need to take this shit show on the road with jokes like that! Anyway, he's an idiot with perhaps the best sign off ever. "I would truly luv craigslist for the hook otherwise fuck craigslist...." Ha! "Oh, man! If you could help me that would be so awesome. You can't? FUCK YOU THEN."

A million to one long shot - m4w (Salem/portland)

OK, I know this is a long shot, but what the hell, I've got nothing to lose. In July of 2012 I saw the musician Paul Thorn play at one of the McMinnimans in Portland. You were the beautiful young lady with light brown hair (a touch of red maybe) wearing a white dress, off the shoulder with a flower print and cowboy boots. During one song you went to the front of the stage and began dancing. You waved me over and we danced to a couple of songs then you returned to your friends. After the show I approached you but just then a guy walked up and started talking to you. It looked like you were there together. He was short, dark black hair, mustache/goatee, and wearing a grey suit. We said hi and how much we enjoyed the show while waiting to meet Paul, your companion kept his eye on you. I just wanted to say that was the most fun I'd had in years and I'd love the chance to talk to you, buy you a drink or lunch, and talk. Paul's band is performing in Salem this July and I'm looking forward to seeing them play again. 

Jesus Christ on a unicycle. What in the F is wrong with people? I'm seriously asking. It's not just the staggering amount of detail this turd poured into this post, although it's fucking criminal. It's the fact that it has been 9 months and he's still holding out hope. Human beings have been conceived and born in the time it took this guy to get enough courage (or be desperate enough) to post a missed connection. MOVE ON. A million to one long shot? No. That would be running on the assumption that there's even the tiniest of chances this will not only be seen by the girl, but that she'll respond. I have a better chance of accidentally meeting this girl...on a plane...that goes off course...and somehow ends up on the moon where we live out the rest of our lives on the airline's peanuts and we start our own moon culture and discover that there are actually beings who live on the moon called "Moonites" or "Moonies" and they miraculously speak English and also enjoy the musical stylings of Paul fucking Thorn. Rant over.

So there we go. Thanks for the memories, Portland. I hope all my readers don't stay frozen...live this life.

Mind Bubble

Wednesday is here, and I'M here to remind you that it's Wednesday. See, calendars? You don't feel so important anymore, do you!?? Ooooh, man do I feel insane this morning. But maybe that's because I've been looking at missed connections in Baltimore for the past 1 minutes. Like they say, a minute in Baltimore is like a minute in Tuscon. See? Insane. But not nearly as insane as these people...

Subway - m4w - 39 (Owings Mills)

You just finished ordering your lunch as I begin to order mine. You asked if the sandwich I was getting was any good as you had wanted to try it but have yet to do so. I answered and asked what you were having as I paid for mine. Yours looked delicious! We exchanged a pleasant goodbye as we kept our day moving along. Perhaps we can continue our short conversation and share a couple of laughs together? Name the sandwiches in the subject line so I know it's you.

Oh, Subway. You're like the Cupid of the modern age. "Yours looked delicious!" Calm down there, stabby. You're going to scare her away before she even gets in the back of your van. Then how will you continue your short conversation about sandwiches? Seriously, though, what is left to be said? "My sandwich was tasty...WHELP! All caught up! Glad we reconnected." Name the sandwiches, he says. Name. The Sandwiches. Le sigh...

Where we went wrong - m4w - 28

It's been a week since we last saw each other. I doubt we will see each other again. I have done alot of thinking over the week. I have pin pointed what went wrong with us. It was my medications. I was mean and nasty before them but never violent. I just wish we both noticed that the meds were the problem. I haven't taken two of them since that day. And I feel great! Not a crazy thought about what you may be doing or anything. Just relaxed and focused on the task at hand. If you happen to read this, know that I am serious. I have had no urge to drink, play cards, or even get angry at anything. I have a felted the fact that I may never see you again or be with you. It hurts but it's what's best for you. It feels really good to have my head straight again! It just happened a little too late.

IT WAS MY MEDICATIONS. I did not see that coming. And I know we're not supposed to laugh at (what I'm presuming is) mental illness, but this post is hilarious. Look, lady, he's not having any more crazy thoughts about what you might be doing or anything and he just wants you to know that and know that he's focused on the task at hand which is completing his life sized replica of you made from human feces. And now, I present to you the greatest sentence ever typed: "I have no urge to drink, play cars, or even get angry at anything." We can all stop writing now. There's really no need to continue, because no one is ever going to say anything remotely as cogent or entertaining ever again. 

I need money ASAP!! - w4m - 18 (Baltimore, MD.)

Hi. I am an Black 18 year old who needs $140 by 9 o clock tonight in order to keep my apartment. I live with my sister and her son so you would have to host. I would of course do something for you in return whether it be a date, pics, ect... YOU MUST LIKE BBW'S! If you can offer at least $90 that would be fine. Respond ASAP through email if you are interested. Your pics get mine. Age and Race doesn't matter.

Guys, these posts are getting exponentially better. I don't even know what to say about this one. She needs $140 by 9 o'clock, but if you can offer at least $90 that would be fine. Excellent. And you gotta like 'em plump. You have to. There's no other way this is going to work. And OF COURSE she would give you something in return. I mean, you're not just GIVING her the money. She'll be your date, or send you pictures or even ECT. And in case you were thinking "But I'm a 54 year old Inuit. No way she'll take my money." Fear not! Age and race do NOT matter. She's desperate AND open-minded.

 You live upstairs and I shouldn't be writing this - m4w (CV)

You moved in upstairs about a month ago now... we haven't seen much of each other. That's probably how it should be, but definitely not how I'd like it.

I'll be leaving soon, but if you want to... make some mistakes... before I do, you know exactly how to find me. How do I know? Well, Comcast made sure of that, didn't they..? 

Here we go. Right here. The fucking night cap on these crazy posts. "I shouldn't be writing this" It's true, but not for the reasons he's thinking. Is he coming across as crazy to anyone else? ANYONE? No? Fine. "That's probably how it should be" Why? What's going to happen if you see more of her, you crazy asshole? "you know exactly how to find me." YOU LIVE DOWNSTAIRS. IN THE SAME BUILDING. What did Comcast do to you? Show me on the post where they touched you. Then tell me what I'm wearing so I know it's you.

I'm spent. I could write a thesis on these weirdos in Baltimore. See you later. And do everyone a favor and get back on your meds.

Do Ya Like it Dirty?

Look who came crawling back. It's me. Please take me back, baby! No? Fuck it. I'm going back to my roots for today's missed connections. That's right, Dallas. You're in my sights, and your missed connections are like the broad side of a barn...or someone from Houston's ass.

Liftime - m4m (Allen)

You blue shorts and glasses...we were in stretching area together...maybe work out together sometime? Please give details.

Part of me really wishes there was a gym actually called "Liftime". It'd be pretty clever. This post seems like it's just a solicitation for a workout partner. "maybe work out together sometime?" Here's the details:

10 Jumping Jacks

20 Push-ups

30 Weighted Lunges

40 Pull-ups

50 Go Home and Cries Because You're Sad

You'll be fit in no time. But still lonely.

April with life size Angel wings back tatoo - m4w - 99 (dfw)

April,We have met twice through Jade Nicoles introduction last July 2011. Hope we could meet again. Have a lovely day!
April, please mention this phrase when you reply "..lol..you're funny..you know that..they change red when i wear red..they change hazel when i wear hazel". Thanks.
T

Are those life size? Really, how big are angel wings in real life? 6 inches across seems about right, but we may never know. It reminds me of the David Cross bit about roads in heaven. Anyway, moving past that, this guy is carrying a torch for this twice met girl. July of 2011? Might as well be July of 1492, because that fucking ship has sailed. Keep plugging away. The best part, though, is that he asks that she mention a phrase that he proceeds to post IN ITS ENTIRETY. I assume the "T" he signed off with stands for "this guy is dumb as shit".

My sex teacher - m4w - 25

 I replied to your post. After emails back and forth you told me you wanted to teach me and take my virginity. You spoke with your husband and he was ok with it. In fact he was going to tell me what to do over the phone while we played.

I never got the courage to go and I'm regretting it now.
My email account go deleted so I have no way of speaking to you.
If you're out there respond. I'm still a virgin and waiting. 

Oof. Where to begin? Ok. Listen, 25 Year Old Virgin Guy. We know her husband was okay with it. He was going to tell you how to diddle his wife over the phone. I don't know if these were to be specific diddling instructions. Possibly more general? "Okay, now put your penis...your penis...yes. Put it in her vagina. Her vagina...vagina...fine, her ass." So we get that he's okay with it. The question, for me at least, is why YOU were okay with this. Don't regret this shit. You don't want your first time to be with some older lady with a huge nasty bush who's husband is giving you a play by play of what to do. How would that even work? Bluetooth? Fuck it. Stay a virgin. Forever. Or come on here and find literally HUNDREDS of desperate people looking to bone you.

Bikinis Sports Bar last night - m4w - 23 (dallas)

To the gorgeous blonde in the red with the cowboy hat. I wish I could have stuck around a bit longer. You are gorgeous. Hope to see you again. Lets go hunting.

Thank you, Texas! How many stereotypes can we fit in one post? Hey, gorgeous blonde in a cowboy hat, "Let's go hunting" All he had to do was mention his truck or some sort of bovine for the hat trick. Fuck, man.

I could spend all day ribbing Dallas, and Texas in general, but I'm a busy guy. I will say this, though; there are many lonely, older guys in Dallas. And remember: always workout with a partner. It's safer and less lonely that way.

Peanut Hakeem

Before you ask, Coachella was fun. I saw many a missed connection happening. And I saw a girl doing coke. Definitely saw a girl doing coke. But that's just how festivals are, I guess. Music, missed connections, coke, and delicious, delicious arepas. Another special request has sent me scouring the Omaha, NE missed connections. I think I struck gold (corn)!

Side note: When I hear "Omaha" I think about what my dad would always say when we asked him where he was going: "To Omaha, to get a load of hogs."

Billy frogs 4/15 or 4/16 - w4m - 29 (Omaha )

My friend and I came in tonight. We made eye contact a few times... I offered you her drink and you went to the other table!!! What kind of drink did I offer you? Put it in the subject line and I'll reply :). You were too cute to go with that dark girl!! 

I'm so confused right now. She offered this guy her friend's drink (bitch move) and the guy went to another table (smart move)...so what is this? Does that mean he snubbed/rejected her and she still thinks they might have something? Then there's the racist undertones at the end. Not to mention this lady can't remember if she saw the guy last night or...tonight.

Nap Jerking - m4w - 39

You fell asleep while I was holding you by your hair, while it's not my favorite outcome, I can't think of a better way to doze off.

You've told me the nap jerk is always interesting at times such as that, can't wait to jerk it again, maybe when we have more awake time ;)

And with this, I have decided that people in Omaha are simply confusing. Nap jerk? I'll need to ask my friend in Omaha what this is, because all I'm piecing together in the ol' noggin is jerking someone off before, during or after a nap. Or jerking off while someone else is taking a nap.You know what? These people can go fuck themselves. "while it's not my favorite outcome" So it's not your favorite outcome, but you can't think of a better way to doze off? What does that make your favorite? Who's favorite thing is second best in their own opinion? SOMEONE FROM OMAHA, APPARENTLY.

You look confused. Are you OK? - m4w (Papillion)

I saw you driving by my house this afternoon in your dirty black Nissan Altima (Nebraska SIA 320) and you look confused. You should stop smoking and wash your car. The physical activity will do you good, and you'll feel better about yourself. Stop by, knock on my door and say hello! I'd enjoy talking to you.

HA...oh, man. Ha. This guy is a fucking GEM. "You look confused. Are you OK?" That's the name of the funk album I'm releasing in September. Until I got to the end, I thought he was just railing on this girl. YOU SHOULD STOP SMOKING AND WASH YOUR CAR. It has to be Asperger's, right? His plan of attack is interesting, though. "I'll insult this girl, not once, but twice and then be really friendly and tell her to 'Stop by, knock on my door and say hello! I'd enjoy talking to you.' She'll never see it coming!" Ha....you'll feel better about yourself. So awkward. SO GOLD.

Red shirt - blue jeans - pretty smile - m4w (McDonald's in Papillion)

I saw you sitting with a man at the McDonald's in Papillion this morning around 9 AM. I think you are gorgeous. You looked so pretty in your red sweatshirt and blue jeans. You have a smile that you can see from the moon, and I love the way your blue eyes sparkle. I'd love to get to know you better and fall in love with you. Was that a wedding ring I saw on your pretty fingers? Doesn't matter.

-Your secret admirer  

This one, in and of itself, isn't that interesting. I mean, the guy is pathetic, obviously. "Was that a wedding ring I saw on your pretty fingers? Doesn't matter." That solidifies it, right? No doubt this guy is a Class A Douche Bag, the "A" standing for "asshole". Class Asshole Douche Bag. Classhole Douche Bag. I'll work on it. Anyway, in case there's any doubt there's also this:

Pretty lady in white Mercedes - m4w (Papillion)

I see you driving your white Mercedes every day in Papillion and I think you are so attractive and sexy. I'd love to get to know you better and fall in love with you. I love your brown hair and pretty eyes. How about a cup of coffee and some humorous conversation...for starters?

-Your secret admirer 

How's that grab you? This guy just leveled up. He's now a Class Asshole Douche Bag Missed Connections Whore. That's the equivalent of two Donald Trumps and a Paris Hilton.

  

Hope your week is going well. I hope we can meet soon and I can fall in love with you.

- Your secret admirer/dickwad

Packet Man

It's been a busy week for you. I can tell. Look at those bags under your eyes. Well, I have just the cure: cucumber slices. But before you put a fucking vegetable on your face, read my missed connections blog. In honor of my trip to Coachella this weekend, I'm hitting up Palm Springs. Yeah, it's not actually Indio, but neither are you, cucumber face.

Seeking horny women over 30 for fun time - m4w - 60 (palm springs)

Your pic gets mine...ladies must be fit, drug and disease free and very open minded... 

"very open minded" can only mean one of two things:

Thing 1) Diaper play

Thing 2) 60 year old, dirty balls.

Get on it, ladies.

stunning blonde at LAMPS PLUS - m4w (Lamps Plus)

You got there just as they closed and i was last customer to leave - beautiful package - nice heels, nice long legs, pretty blue dress with nice blonde hair and a beautiful face - i need to see you again - nothing expected - only a nice dinner to watch you make heads turn - hope i can find you here. 

You fool! You know where she's going to be. LAMPS PLUS, MOTHER FUCKER. You should have been chivalrous and just given her whatever lamp you bought. I'm assuming it was a table lamp or a pendant light. Perhaps a nice sconce? Or maybe this little fella:

At any rate, saying you NEED to see someone and then saying nothing expected is, to coin a phrase, really fucking stupid.

WARNING: This next bit is NSFW...or anytime, really.

Carl's Jr. Drive Thru - w4m - 24 (Palm Springs)

I drove through tonight on a whim and you were so damn cute!
You had thick black glasses and an amazing smile. I just wanted to tell you how adorable you are and I would love to go out sometime.

Email me back :] 

 

Do it, Carl's Jr. Drive Thru Guy! Think about it! If she's this forward on a Craigslist posting, imagine how forward she'll be in a dimly lit dungeon! And look at those sausage fingers! Imagine getting a massage from those and then vomiting because you're sick with self-hatred! And that dress! You could have sex with a gross lady AND reupholster your grandmother's couch, all in one go! DO IT. On a side note, she said she drove through on a "whim." Me thinks the whim was she skipped second breakfast or elevensies or her sausage fingers were starting to look human again.

smoked a blunt outside barracks - m4m - 37 (cat city)

I took a hit off a fine ass latino trojan man. my class was a bit ahead of yours. had shake in my pocket, that made u kinda giggle. we shared a blunt that got me all hooked up for the night in the pizza place parking lot just a short walk away. your og cush is way too potent for me. Next time give me just a drag then you go to work on it slowly - real slow - smoke that sweet weed down to the finger burn while I smoke your flesh on my knees. Good to the last drop next time, i owe u that bro; damn sweet cush! I think you're so fine.

Boy, there sure is a lot of sexual innuendo in this post. I mean he could just come out and say OH AND THERE IT IS. I guess innuendo is preferable to this type of thing:

jack in the box dillon rd. coachella - m4m (coachella)

stopped at jack in the box this morning off of hwy 86 Coachella saw this hot guy putting ice in the coke machine if u see this I would love to suck ur cock and fuck  

See? No mystery. No wit. Just "Nice ice pouring. Let's fuck." Where's the romance, stranger?!? 

That about does it. I'll see you guys on the flip-side. Or if you're lucky, I'll see you at Coachella. Either way, when I get back, I'm applying to work at the drive thru at Carl's Jr. so I can hit up some of that sweet sausage finger, floral print wearin' lovin'.

April Showers

By special request, today's missed connections are coming straight from Lexington, Kentucky. I don't know shit about Kentucky, so I looked up some fun facts.

Fact 1) Lexington, Kentucky is known as the "Horse Capital of the World".

Fact 2) All the facts about Kentucky suck.

Seriously, I just went on a Fun Fact Finding Mission and came back with no fun and a little bit of a headache. Let's see if the shitbirds on Craigslist are more entertaining.

Monday Birthday Girl - m4w (Bardstown)

You and your friend were out partying for your birthday (?). I thought you were very sexy. You asked me to take your picture with your phone and I did. If you are interested in meeting up send me a note. Include where and when and if you want, send me the pic that I took of you two.  

Ugh. Fucking Kentuckians, am I right? I love it when people add question marks after they've stated something. Was it her birthday? Who gives a shit? Why bother waffling on it and seeming unsure? "You asked me to take your picture..." This reminds me of a conversation I had recently. Does anyone, when asked to take a picture, EVER say no? I think not. But I'm glad he told us that he did, in fact (fun fact!), take the picture. "Send me a note." Yeah. Get out that stationary you never use, dip your quill into the inkwell and scribble out a note for this asshole. Send me a note? Uuuuuuuuugh. And if you want, BUT ONLY IF YOU WANT, send this guy the picture that he took for you. Because that's fucking normal.

we crossed paths at the shell and walmart on Nicholasville and Manowar - m4m - 34 (Lexington, KY)

I think you were driving a grey Nissan ... you were going into the Shell as I was headed back to the car ... and then you were buying Resolve at Walmart ... tell me what I had on and send me a face picture to confirm it is you ... maybe we could meet sometime ... hope you see this 

Alright, dude. Don't do the "I think you were driving" blah blah blah. You can't pretend to play it cool and then mention what the lady was buying at Walmart. Also, I'm fed up with the fucking vetting process people on Craigslist post. Tell me what I had on. What was I driving? When am I usually outside your window on Tuesday nights? You're fucking desperate; don't make people jump through hoops.

What might have been (Right here )

Everything came to an abrupt stop for us. :(
You took it well, even being around each other you treat me like nothing ever happened between.

You went back to your ex, I'm stuck with my current

I know I shouldn't think about it, but I miss our talks, the way you touch me, and running my hands thru your curly hair!

Never did get to listen to you ______
I enjoy watching you _____ ____ while you work ;)

(You feel in the blank so I know it's you)  

This is pretty great. Forget the immensity of this guy's douche-ness as he uses the phrase "stuck" when describing his current relationship.  "What might have been (Right here)" Dude, you are SOOOOO FUCKING LAME. And to convey the gravitas, the truly deep emotions this man is feeling, he added that frowny face at the end of the first sentence. See that little guy there? It means he's sad. :( You FEEL in the blank. You gotta feel it in. I don't know if that's a typo or if this guy is a fucking genius. Regardless, I feel that he never got her to listen to Rammstein. And he enjoys watching her shit uncontrollably while she works. You know, because diarrhea. 

the lady next door - m4w - 33 (lexington )

i dont know why im writing this but oh well.You stay across from me i dont know your name but i can say you make me smile every time i see you walking your dog im a blk male and you are a wht female dont know if you are married or have a man i just want to tell you that your are gorgeous 

You don't know her name, you don't know her relationship status and you don't know why you're writing this. At this point, I think we can assume you don't know jack shit and would have trouble distinguishing your ass from a hole in the ground. (Hint: Your baseball coach wasn't interested in the hole in the ground. Over the line? THERE IS NO LINE.) Let's touch on this little bit though: "i dont know why im writing this..." I'm calling bullshit, you fucking letch. You know exactly why you're writing this. It's because you see the lady walking her dog and you want to plow her, but you don't have the balls to tell her to her face so the only way you can put it out into the universe is to sit at your computer like a loser and type something in the hopes that someone reads it and finds value in your words and you can make a connection oh holy shit I'm talking about myself now, aren't I? Eeeeee....awkward.

See you guys later. Don't forget to feel in the __________.