Gay Weddings For All!

We did it! We got 5 out of 9 people to accept homosexuality, sort of! We all deserve a hearty pat on the back. Let's all start planning our gay weddings!

All joking aside, I'm thrilled for all of my LGBT friends and family, and even the people I don't know. This is huge.

To celebrate, I jingle jangled my way to the Salt Lake City, Utah missed connections on Craigslist to see what some truly depraved people were up to.

hey you there - m4w - 40 (River Bottom) 

I have extensive experience shoveling horse shit. If this interests you, hit me up, holla back gurl.

We should have crossed paths earlier and I dropped the ball, just so I could post here, but I was traveling to a horse shit convention at the time. I thought I would give it a shot anyways.

You know what's better than cryptic inside jokes between friends? Cryptic inside jokes between strangers on Craigslist missed connections. You know what's better than that? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. I was going to start questioning why a person would even bother posting this, but then here I am commenting on it and what not and then begins the introspection that we're all familiar with that just leads us to the bottom of a bottle. I'll just skip all that and concede that this person is a human brown-eye.

your chocolate 4 my vanilla - w4m - 38 (flying j slc)

You work at the Slc flyingj you came over to me and sorta flirted with me, it made my panties wet, my husband tried to find you to say you could if he could watch, let me know if you want too. This was Sunday morning

If I had a dime for every time a woman's husband told me I could nail her if he got to watch while in a Flying J, I'd have 5 dimes and a Kennedy half dollar and be the richest person inside the Flying J. Have you ever been to a Flying J? Straight out of the 70's:

It's like a shitter with a candy aisle. What a leap in the hooking up process we witnessed. They went from "sort of flirting" to "bang me while my husband watch-cries in the corner" in the span of 1 "it made my panties wet". That's gotta be some sort of record, even for a Flying J.

We had amazing sex back in February - w4m - 19 (West Jordan)

We hooked up twice and had great sex earlier this year. I lost your email and haven't been able to find you since. You were 28, 6'2 and had tattoos. If you want to hook up again with me reply with a pic and tell me the color of my hair and body type.

There's a lot of subjectivity in there. What if said tattooed 28 year old guy sees this, but he only remembers the sex as "OK" or "damp"? You will have missed each other because of the fact that you were amazed by the sex and he thought he was fucking a wet pillow. And for your body type, what if he sees you as a pear and you see yourself as an apple? Once again, true love will have fallen to the wayside. Here's my advice: never post anything on the internet again.

Cessily? Cecelia? In front of the pie hole. - m4w - 32

Friday night in front of the pie hole. You commented on my bike. I let you sit on it and I took a picture of you with your phone. You were wearing a light sleeveless top, and light skirt. You are very attractive. I should have asked you to text me the pic! (cause then I would have your number) But I make a habit of never asking for a girls numbers at a bar because it seems so cliche. But then again we were outside... So shoulda, coulda, woulda. Now I am posting here.

Never done this before, but heard of it working. So email me the pic I took of you. Or tell me about the bike or any other accessory you remember.

This guy is hilarious. He's very insistent on saying "the pie hole" which is obviously a restaurant, but COME THE FUCK ON. That's funny. He goes on to regale us with their meet cute EXCEPT he didn't get her number. And why didn't he get her number? Because he "[makes] a habit of never asking for a girls number at a bar because it seems so cliche." Buuuuuullllshiiiiiiiit. You have tiny little hamster balls. That's why you don't ask for their numbers. So stop lying to yourself and for fuck's sake, stop lying to us. We were on your side until you tried to sail that horse shit past us. (I was never on his side. He's clearly a dipshit) "Now I'm posting here." And that sums it up, doesn't it? And now he's posting here. 

That's it from Salt Lake City. Three cheers for equality! And four cheers for the Flying J!

The British are coming!

Where did the time go? We're almost at the summer solstice and my chakra has yet to align with the waxing moon as it approaches Libra. If that last sentence sounded like bullshit, it's because it was. And if you take offense because you believe in that stuff, tough shit. Tough shit for you and your bullshit beliefs. You probably also believe in fate like all the people that post on Craigslist missed connections and I WEEP FOR OUR FUTURE.

Today I'm peeping Boston to see how their crazies deal with missed connections. Not well, my friends...not well. Enjoy hearing all the posts in a Boston accent in your head.

sweetheart - w4m - 21

you work at one of my favorite bars. maybe i'm making the whole connection up in my head...because i don't doubt that you flirt a little with all your female customers since that's part of the whole bartender package.

but i feel a vibe there. i get the sense that despite your job and tattoos and all the other things that mark you a 'bad boy' or an 'alt' type...you're just sweet and a little awkward. which i like.

if nothing else, i enjoy our chats and the special concoctions you make for me.

We've all been there. The "I'm getting the feeling this bartender is in to me" vibe. It's going to happen. Their job is to try and be nice and personable to every person they come into contact with so they can maximize their tips and also because most bartenders are normal, personable people. So we can all understand why this idiot is getting that vibe, right? What I don't understand is her "bad boy" stereotyping. I thought tattoos meant someone likes tattoos. Hell, I once saw a biker with "Fuck Cops" tattooed on the back of his head and he was on his way to a prayer meeting. And what are these "other things" that make him a bad boy? The spike studded choker? The flippant way he says "You're Welcome"? Anyway, stop crushing on the bartender.

Comcast guy pissing in his van - m4m (Somerville)

You were parked on a busy street and standing next to your van with the doors open. You were looking around so nervously you had to have been taking a piss...or something else. That was bold, man.  

What's the end game, here? Do you want to meet up with the van pisser? Or did you just want to put it out into the universe that you saw a guy pissing/jerking it in his van? Either way, thanks for wasting my time. He could have been nervous for any number of reasons, which I will now list:

Reason 1) His penis was caught in his zipper and he JUST noticed.

Reason 2) He was on his phone making an illegal insider trade on some stocks.

Reason 3) He was stuffing cable into his pants, because goddamn it he's going to steal all the cable he can from Comcast while this sweet-ass gig is going on.

Reason 4) He was pissing.

Reason 5) He was jerking off.

My dog walking neighbor - m4w - 54 (Raynham)

You've been by a couple of times this week walking your dog. You looked so hot today. I would so much love for you to stop in and let me ravish that hot body of yours! I'd start by worshiping that gorgeous ass. Then I'd go wherever you wanted to take this.

Where's her dog while you're worshiping her ass, you inconsiderate prick? Figure out the dog situation, THEN we'll talk.

Sexy, fit, discreet builder makes housecalls - m4w - 39 (norwood-dedham)

Handsome and very professional.. I am great with my hands. What ever your needs, I will fix them right!!

What happens when a sexy handyman dressed in Levi's and work boots comes to address some maintenance needs of a sensual scantily-clad lady? It starts with flirting and smiles, and moves to more suggestive innuendos of interest.. hearts beat faster with anticipation of what might become, then the line is crossed as he leans in, and kisses her. She is shocked, scared, and yet also excited.. she is nervous, but needing of his touch. How will she respond?

Very discrete (yes, married) and experienced builder will come to consult you on any home repair or renovation issue you have. No pressure.. I will follow your lead. Safe (latex condoms) play only... ultra discreet.. maybe a one-time meeting.. no expectations other than secrecy. Let's chat, exchange pics, and get to know each other a bit.. and see if you might need my services!

Ha! Oh, lord, that middle part is hilarious. Save it for Penthouse Forum, you fucking lech! Hooo, what a shit bag. "yes, married" A woman can only DREAM that her husband sums up their marriage so succinctly. What's great is if someone calls him JUST for a consultation on their leaky sink. Imagine the stupid look on his fucking face when it's a man and wife answering the door and they just want to know about putting an island in their kitchen. Or someone exchanges pics. His is a picture in sexy overalls; theirs is of their cabinets they want to refinish. Can you see the look on his stupid dumb fuck face? HA! This is going to carry me to the weekend.

I hope you enjoyed our little getaway to Boston. Go out this weekend and get some sun. No one likes a pale ass to worship.

Fathers and the Like

It's Father's Day on Sunday. The parental holidays don't carry much water with me. I appreciate my parents. Point of fact; they're great and I love them to death. I just don't cotton to a big celebration, but that's just me.Or maybe I just hate buying cards/gifts.

My father just had knee surgery. I told my mother to tell him that we were going to race next time I'm in town. I also told her to tell him that we were going to have a lightsaber duel and that I was going to chop off his new robotic hand. He said he's Darth Vader and he would chop off MY robotic hand. I had to inform him that my grandfather is Darth Vader, he's Luke and I'm Han Solo. Because Han is the cool one.

All of this is to say, be sure to call/write/telegram your fathers on Sunday to let them know how you feel. Whether it's to tell them how much you love and appreciate them, or it's to tell them you hate their guts for fucking up your soapbox derby race when you were 7.

That being said, here are a few Craigslist missed connections from good ol' Los Angeles.

adorable man at Cyndi Lauper concert - m4m - 43 (Greek theater)

I was the adorable, athletic, single, ddf, well hung gay Jewish man at the Cyndi Lauper concert last night, there with a gal pal. Great teeth. Pretty green eyes. No one hit on me. It's not too late.

Whoa! This caught me off guard. This is a reversed missed connection that isn't a missed connection at all. No one hit on the dude. He seems to be insulted. I mean, by his own admission, he's single, ADORABLE, well hung AND Jewish. He also really likes his eyes and thinks his teeth are great. Why did no one hit on this conceded asshole?!? WHY?!?!?!?! HE'S SO ADORABLE AND CONCEDED AND SHIT. HIT ON HIM. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

Hotness at whole foods on coldwater - m4w - 28 (Sherman oaks)

You were wearing a loose fitting dress that barely covered your gorgeous body and succulent tits while you pretended to read ingredients on rice or cous cous or whatever. I was doing the same thing trying to find a particular product. You had dark long hair and looked gorgeous. Would love to hang out with you some time.

This guy could make a nymphomaniac blush. Such poetry he writes! "You pretended to read..." It's like he's implying that she wasn't actually reading. And to me, that comes across like he's saying she CAN'T read. But with succulent tits like that, who has time for reading. Then he says he was doing the same thing. So I imagine him in a loose fitting dress pretending to read ingredients on rice or cous cous or WHATEVER. Aren't the ingredients in rice...uh....rice? Same with cous cous? Anyway, we're not here to talk about food. We're here to discuss this suave cock-master and how suave he is in his cock-mastery. "Would love to hang out with you some time." What the fuck is that? Don't hold back, bro! Tell her in your best harlequin novel speak how you'll rail her in the pasta aisle while she acts like she's checking the ripeness of a cantalope. 

Guy in the car - w4m - 18 (Pacific Coast Highway)

I was standing at the light as you came to stop. You looked over at me then held up your phone with a picture on it as you smiled. I didn't see what the picture was and I don't recognize you, but you seemed to have recognized me...
Who are you?

 

Jesus, you're dumb. Guy in the car? nice description. Please don't be a witness of my murder (It's going to happen. You don't live this long and be this awesome without making enemies). "Yeah, he was a guy with a body. And then he shot that person. And then he ran in a North-southernly direction." Anyway, I've solved this mystery, dumbass. The guy in the car is this guy:

 

No? Then it's this guy in a car:

Still no? Well that's all I got, dumb shit.

 

Happy Father's Day to all you fathers out there or as I like to think of you; mother fuckers! But seriously, Happy Father's Day.

Desert Emotions Make the Best Emotions

My friends, it is a great day and I'm glad you stopped by. My enemies, YOU WILL PAY WITH YOUR BLOOD. Anyway, I popped over to the Phoenix Craigslist missed connections page to see how they get down in the desert. I can say, with all confidence, that unlike the band of the same name, they do not disappoint.

Person named "Spiffy" ??? - w4m - 2323 (MesaTempeChandler)

Does anyone know a guy named "Spiffy" around 28 to 30, yet doesn't appear that old. Brown hair and eyes, 5'10" ish, 160lbs.

Lost track last year. If anyone knows him direct him to this post.

Nice try, bounty hunter. You lost track of him, YOU FUCKING FIND HIM. But seriously, how non-descript can one person be? Only a nickname to go on, brown hair, brown eyes, 5' 10"-ish, 160 pounds and they are AROUND 28 to 30 although you'd never guess it to look at them. You just described Montana. So yeah, go look in Montana. If Spiffy isn't there, check in West Virginia.

U SELL MASSAGE DEVICE - m4m - 30 (FASHION SQUARE MALL)

I want to deep throat you... Interested?? Can be discrete... I luv to run into you in the mall during my lunch break... give me a sign. I'm very interested. I work by u...

So, I gotta ask...is saying "I want to deep throat you" something that works? Ever? It's pretty forward, in my eyes. But hey, what do I know? Malls are weird, confusing places. Maybe this shit flies at Fashion Square Mall. It sounds like he's telling him what to do when he puts "U SELL MASSAGE DEVICE." As if it's an order. "Do it! Sell massage device! Sell now!" 

BUSCO AMIGAS TENGO CURIOSIDAD - w4w

BUSCO AMIGAS ENTRE 25 Y 35 PARA
TEXTEAR SER AMIGAS Y TALVEZ CONOCERNOS MAS

MANDAME TU FOTO PLATICAME ALGO DE TI


SOLO MUJERES

NOOOO... HOMBRES
NOOOO..... TRIO

Everyone get that? Let me help you with my Spanish knowledge. This a a woman looking for curious friends. She wants friends to text and to get to know better. You send your photo and tell her something about yourself. ONLY WOMEN. NOOOOOOOOOO MEN. NOOOOOO THREESOMES. I can almost hear her saying "No men." Nooooooooooooooooo. 

TWO GIRLS IN BURGER KING PARKING LOT NEEDING MONEY TO EAT - m4w (Burger King peoria or glendale)

You were a blonde and a brunette looking for money to feed your kids....you approached my vehicle as I was going through the drive thru and sitting to park to eat. This was last summer to fall time span. I would like to see you both again. If you reply, tell me what I gave you for money that day and if you remember the color of the car I was driving. I am not sure if we were on Peoria or Glendale avenues......I think you were shocked I gave you money and left. You were both small women. If anyone might know of two girls that walk this area frequently together, pass the word this posting is here. You didnt look like the drug addict type just going through hard luck.

Can we take a minute? Just one minute to discuss this guy, please. Okay. Who THE FUCK is this person? "I would like to see you again"? Quite some time ago he gave money to two women who looked like they were down on their luck and he just can't stop thinking about them. It's mind boggling. Does he sit there talking to his friends: 

"You know who I was thinking about the other day?" 

"Oh shit. Not this again."

"Yeah. This again. Those two desperate women who were begging for change to feed their kids."

"That was almost a year ago."

"I know, but I can't stop thinking about them. They didn't look like drug addicts."

"They were probably drug addicts."

"Yeah, but they were really attractive and I feel like we'll have a lot in common."

"Both of them? You want to hook up with both of them?"

"...Well....yeah. They're desperate."

That sums it up for Phoenix. Now go, my children! Go and sell massage device! GO!

I Work From Home, Bitch

Hey there. You look nice today. A nice button up and some very professional looking slacks. I assume by your attire that you work in an office or at the very least you leave the house to work.

I don't.

I'm one of those cursed/lucky few who work from home. Don't get me wrong (you already got me all wrong, baby), I love working from home. No driving to work, no pants at work and midday nap time make a very interesting life for me. But I've discovered a few things that you might be interested to know. Oh, you're not interested? Then quit reading my blog, asshole. This is as interesting as I get.

Sorry about that. I didn't mean you're ACTUALLY an asshole. (Except for Frank. That guy can eat shit and die.) And yes, I know The Oatmeal did this before me. But mine are different.

My whole point is I'm privy to another side of life that some of you can only dream (stop that) about. None of these (except the first one) are good or bad. They just are. Let's go over my list together and see how we feel afterwards:

Item 1) They pick up trash in the middle of the day and make as much fucking noise as possible. I never knew that trash day was every day that ends in "Y" but it must be, because they're always at my complex; clanging shit around like the shittiest/best drum circle that has ever existed. And they take their sweet-ass time. This doesn't really disturb my work, per say, but holy sweet mother of basura it is obnoxious. There are also more fires/accidents/whatever creates firetruck ambulance noise during the day than you could ever imagine.

Item 2) Everyone you talk to thinks working at home is great. Even if they have a great job that they love. If I talked to a billionaire CEO of an ass and titties conglomerate (Titshire Assaway?) and told him I worked from home, he would envy me in some small way. Which I get. But I don't get.

Item 3) I've stopped understanding why people won't hang out with me until 3 AM.

Item 4) I'll go to the store at 5 PM and realize that the cashier is the first human interaction I've had all day. This may not sound strange, but most of the time, unless I'm talking to myself (NO JUDGING) I go large spans without hearing my voice. And I looooooove my voice.

Item 5) Movie channels play straight crap during the day. I've seen Red Tails/Lake Placid/La Dolce Vita exactly 1000 times since starting my work-from-home adventure. Yeah, I could watch the stuff on my DVR, but Red Tails is right there in my face. Besides, I've already seen all the Gomer Pile episodes and F-Troop from when I stayed home "sick" as a kid.

That pretty much sums up my experience. Working from home is like staying home in the middle of the day as a kid. Happy Tuesday, worker bees/SUCKERS.